An update regarding my Mental and Physical Health battles –

Firstly, before i write this blog can I just say a brief thank you to all of the people who took the time to read and send me lovely supporting messages regarding the last blog I wrote. This was my first blog or public forum where I’d openly discussed being a suffer of Obsessive Complusive Disorder for many years and so it was a very hard thing to do. The positive response I got back from many people was lovely to read and it convinced me I’d definitely done the right thing talking about it for the first time for all the world to see. I could talk to a room full of women about my bits and bobs being sore without that much embarrassment ha ha, however I do feel embarrassed talking about my OCD. I know I shouldn’t but I do feel embarrassed, ashamed perhaps, to admit I have this ‘nutty’ less rational side to me at times. That said, the more I’m discussing it with people then the less this embarrassment is there. I even brought it up in conversation at my hairdresser’s the other week. I doubt very much I could have done this, had I not first done a blog about it and had such a lovely feedback. Thanks again you lot, you know who you are.

So I hadn’t written a follow-up blog about my OCD(although people were enquiring) up to this point, because and I know this sounds daft, but I try to pretend I don’t have OCD. Talking about it endlessly can make my symptoms and thoughts worse, can act like a trigger. This means as a result I can get completely worn out by it. For example, the other day I had an OCD flare-up at 8.30am one morning and so all day was spent me mithering about possible contamination. I was mentally shattered by 10.30pm that night, felt nauseous and physically ill through it. I have to therefore blog when the mood takes me, so here I am now ha ha. I had a major do(OCD WISE) last night so I woke up this morning and thought I know, I need to do something productive now and so I’ve decided that will take the form of me doing another blog posting, plus I’m over due to write an update anyhow. I’ll update you on my Mental Health first and then my ongoing Physical Health battles.

Mental Health wise, things are still pretty bad, well, very bad if I’m being completely honest. I saw my wanker of a Psychiatrist who I’d love to chin, such a patronising, condescending fucker, and he said he wasn’t willing to give me any more support from a nurse or indeed from himself or Psychologist, because he didn’t think I needed it which is a staggering thing to say(I badly need support), nor will he treat me unless I start taking the medication he wants me to take. I’ve explained this in my last blog, but due to very sore ribs and constant nausea, I’m unable to take any OCD drugs at the moment because they really sting my ribs, thus making me terrible nauseous. Believe me I’ve tried my best to take them because I know I need all the help I can get but they just make me feel physically too ill. The Psychiatrist thinks I’m lying or making too much of this, simply doesn’t believe I cannot tolerate the medication, so we have a clash. I’m astounded he therefore won’t offer me any help, no, outraged is more the word. My family are outraged too, they think I should complain at how I’m being treated. The plan is still to go and seek a therapist privately in the next month or two. If I couldn’t afford this then I’m not sure what I would do next.

There have been a few good things I’ve done OCD wise since my last blog. I walked back home from my Dentist’s and managed to avoid thinking I’d walked in dog poo or vomit(they’re my phobias). It made me feel normal doing this and I felt a little like the old, more rational me again. The highlight was walking twice as far as this when I walked home from my hairdresser’s. This was great because I had a ‘do’ going to the hairdresser’s because the taxi I got in to take me there had bird shit covered all over the car. It was plastered over the car door handle and I’m 99.9% sure i got some bird muck on my hands and so duly on my best cords. I initially panicked upon seeing this on my trousers,I thought about not going into hairdressers through fear of contaminating there. However, I quickly regrouped, fought it and and just put my fears on hold until after I came out of the hairdressers. I’m so pleased I managed to go in and have my hair done. I’ve also challenged myself that I will also definitely go there again, even though it’s a bit of a possible contaminated zone again now, plus the girl who cuts my hair is lovely. The bad side was that when I got home I threw my phone away and the clothes I was wearing due to this bird shit contamination incident……argh.

On the bad OCD side, I’m still throwing far too many clothes away. Granted they’re only cheap, chilling clothes(shorts and T-shirts) but that is not the point. Even though they’re cheap, it’s still proving too expensive a thing to do(throw lots away) and so the penny finally dropped last week. I throw clothes away because I worry they’ve touched contaminated areas of the house. It all goes back to me still worrying there might be vomit smelling areas in the house(READ MY LAST OCD BLOG WHERE I EXPLAIN THE SICK INCIDENT AT MY LOCAL GPS TWO YEARS AGO). Last week I managed to have a pair of shorts washed 3 days on-the-trot so that gave me a confidence boost, I just need to expand this now to more clothes. I still feel like a prisoner in my own home though and worry I’m touching so called contaminated things when I’m not.

Not had any suidcidal thoughts since my last blog, that was until Saturday evening when I had a MAJOR OCD CONTAMINATION FLARE-UP, it was defo a 9/10 anxiety job. I decided to go into the back garden with Mum to try and help me cool down a bit. Now, to anybody else going into the back garden wouldn’t be an issue, but in the past it’s been a contamination area I’ve avoided due to our late dog going to the toilet in it, then bloody neighbours cats doing their business in it. We’d had a good spell re cat muck due to doing things to ward them off. For example, we’ve had those ultrasonic machines that supposedly scare them off, together with putting bottles of water and curry powder down to scare them off. So, there I was on Saturday evening strolling up and down the back garden lawn with just my slippers on my feet when I nearly stand in some bloody cat muck….least I think it was that and not fox, had to be cat. The last sonic machine broke down last winter so we’ve had nothing in the garden to make them not do their business in our garden since then. I was mortified, panic stricken, I assumed I was safe walking on the grass. I was greatly worried because the day before I’m convinced I ran on the cat shit(not knowing it was there) whilst I pretended I was bowling at cricket(I used to play a lot for various teams) the day before. I straight away started ruminating, ‘oh my God there could be cat shit now on the carpets now, the whole house is contaminated. Every mark now I see on the floors, I’m automatically worrying and thinking it could be cat poo, it’s a nightmare. Mum has cleaned the carpets, is gonna VAX them soon, and so after that I’m just going to have to try and get over this, but blimey it was something I really didn’t need. I’m scared of going into the back garden again now but I’ve promised myself and Mum, that I defo will once it has rained since this ordeal. BLOODY CATS, SHIT IN YOUR OWN GARDENS PLEASE IF YOU READ THIS hahahahaha.

I’m greatly hamstrung with the OCD until I get my physical health improving. This should then mean I’m physically able to take the tablets, which should help my OCD enormously.  Improving physically will give me more motivation to fight my OCD, I need to feel things are progressing, it will give me hope. Once I start seeing a physio privately in the next week or two and get that in process, then I’ll arrange to see a Therapist privately for my OCD then. I can not do start two new people at once it’ll be too much to cope with. Plus, the Therapist is bound to suggest/desire I take medication with the CBT I have, so it makes more sense to start the physio first, in attempt to be then able to take the OCD tablets.

 PHYSICAL HEALTH

I had two MRI  scans, one that revealed my pelvis was perfectly fine and another that confirmed my lumbar spine Spondylolisthesis (Grade 1 L4/L5) with significant nerve compression. This nerve compression is thus the reason why I have such bad sciatica in my left leg all the way down, feels like I’ve been shot in the left arse cheek. It was great my Spondy had not got any worse and according to this assessor guy, my nerve compression should NOT require surgery. He was of the belief that it can be corrected with just Physical Therapy.ie Physio. I was distraught though at nothing coming to light as to why I’m still feeling sick all the time, got terribly painful ribs and can hardly consume anything without it stinging my lower ribs. It hurts to lift up my right arm and shoulder, something clearly isn’t right. After an appointment with this Physio Assessor guy at the hospital, after me mentioning I hardly wee and have puffy swollen ankles, he was convinced my kidneys could be the issue. He said he would write to my GP for me to be referred to see a Urologist at the hospital about it.

My ankles swelled up last summer but I never thought much about it, family and others saying it will just have been due to hte heat. My late Dad died of fluid on his lungs which involved his ankles swelling up. Therefore, when mine started swelling up after my MRI scans you can understand why I would start to worry. I go to a GP who after doing blood results said nothing was found, my heart, kidneys, liver, etc are fine. I was greatly relieved my heart is OK but at the same time frustrated nothing was found to explain this severe rib pain and nausea, as well as the puffy feet. He really fucked me off by then suggesting perhaps this pain to my ribs was psychological.i.e IN MY HEAD. I nearly both hit him and started crying at the same time as he said this. He would never have dreamt of saying such a thing had he not known I was a sufferer of O.C.D. This prejudice makes me want to scream at times. I just bit my tongue and screamed in frustration when I arrived back home. He wasn’t sure about the puffy ankles so just gave me some bog standard water tablets. This makes sense admittedly but I’d also have liked him to try and figure out why I have such a fluid build up, something ain’t right.

After I got back home I was totally gutted the GP had not been more helpful. Something is making me feel nauseous all of the time, have sore ribs and a sore shoulder……it ain’t just chronic pain or just in my head. So, I regrouped after a few days and decided to put a plan in place. I rang up my GPs Surgery and will seek a second opinion re my swollen feet with another doctor, one that my Mum says is v nice. I also now can’t take the bloody tablets this last twit prescribed me because they too sting my sore ribs terribly, thus making me feel extremely nauseous. About a year ago, a physio said my ribs were locked/stuck, thus giving me the pain to my right shoulder. If at this point it looks like it isn’t my kidneys, then maybe it might all be down to this issue again…..my ribs being too tight? It’s definitely worth investigating further so my plan is see a new physio over the next few weeks about this. I’m praying he/she agrees it could be my ribs partly. Afterall, the only time this nausea thing abated for a week or two in the last year, was when this old physio of mine massaged and tried to loosen up my ribs. It’s going to be hard going to a strange physio’s where I’ve never been to before with my OCD, but if I want to try and get better then I’m going to have to force myself to go. That is the current state of play then, as I write this I’m in the middle of trying to find a local physio this week who I pray can help me sort out this pain to my right ribs. I don’t have to be A1 to resume my life, there is lots of things I can be doing CV wise whilst I get better. However, at the moment me and re-starting my life is on hold. I can’t get the pelvic pain or mental health better until I can start taking NSAIDS and OCD drugs respectively. All this is dependent on getting my sore ribs right, thus giving me less stinging and nausea when I take the stuff. Hopefully when I blog next I give you all encouraging news, rather than this FLOUNDERING, FRUSTATED AND FED UP picture which I have at present.