What has happened on the health front since last time I blogged? I went for an abdominal ultrasound scan to see if anything might be found to explain my current health problems. By this I mean the swollen puffy feet and ankles, the water retention, the chronic persisent nausea, and the extreme rib stinging and pain. I was sooooo nervous, didn’t want the Doc doing my scan to find something serious, yet I was praying that something might show up to give me some answers. At the moment until something concrete is found I cannot put to bed the insinuations by people such as my Psychiatrist, that I’m making too much of it. This pillock(the Psychiatrist) just thinks I’m being awkward saying any OCD tablets he gives me makes my ribs really sting and make me feel horrendously nauseous.  Anyway, there I was jabbering away incessantly(I do this when nervous) to this Doc as he did the scan on me. As the last one confirmed to me that I had gallstones at the time of the scan, I came out feeling pretty despondent that probably nothing had been found due to him saying nothing to me at the end. I was told my GP will get the results in two weeks time, I clung on to the small remote hope that maybe something wrong with me had been found.

So two days later I duly went to see a GP about my abdominal scan results, bracing myself for them not to have found anything. It was a lady GP who I’d never seen before and THANKFULLY she has restored my faith back in GPS somewhat. She wasn’t patronising or prejudiced, she just took me and my concerns at face value…plus she was blonde and was flashing her legs so that always helps too hahahaha, i’m joking. Good news was that nothing awful was found. My liver was fine, my prostate was not enlarged(a shock given my history of prostate infections), and my kidneys were of a normal size. So, yes I was pleased nothing awful or life threatening had been found, but at the same time I felt depressed. I wanted something to show why my legs are swollen, why I’m feeling nauseous all the time, why I am sore sore around my right ribs. With the scans negative, the lovely GP thought that maybe the water retention and swollen feet were due to my pelvic pain, ‘your twisted pelvis’ as she put it, she gave me water tablets to see if they helped. I’d told her how two years ago a physio after examining my ribs, said how she thought my right ribs were stuck/locked, thus giving rise to my shoulder pain. I stated how after manipulation the nausea eased off slightly for a week or two. I wondered therefore if it could be due to muscle tightness, given that it’s my right tight, inflamed iliopsoas muscle that is sore too? She agreed and thought I should try manual therapy to see if my symptoms improve. If not, then she said I should go back and see her……….so this is the impending plan.

Last two weeks haven’t been great. I’m fed up of doing stuff or eating stuff that then stings my ribs and then consequently makes me OCD greatly worse afterwards. For example, I decide I’m going to walk say back from the doctors and that really hurts my ribs. Christ, this week I had a Quorn new chicken and mushroom style pie in a white wine sauce. Can you believe I have been sooooooooo ill the last few days because of a bad reaction to the white wine ruddy sauce. First, my diabetic blood sugars go through the roof, then I start to feel pain to my lower right ribs, then I feel very nauseous and the day afterwards my OCD was horrendous, HAD ENOUGH OF FEELING LIKE THIS.  Even if my ribs do start to improve I just can’t start this amazing job I want to do tomorrow, it’ll take about a year to get everything else improved. By this I mean the pelvic pain and the severe OCD at the moment.  Nevertheless, it would be a start and it would let me see that here is indeed a big bright light ahead of what has been thus far, a very dark tunnel. It’ll take me a year to do stuff I require to get my C.V in order. eg voluntary work, courses, work shadowing etc. I’m not going to lie, with this vomit phobia I have, I am petrified about going to a physios in the next week or so. I hate going to places I’ve never been to before as I don’t know for sure it’s OK contamination wise. What if I get there and there is dog shit or sick outside the premises? What if once in the physios, if I see a sick stain on a chair or on the floor……these are the kind of OCD irrational thoughts that are swirling around my head at present. I’m just going to have to fight it and force myself to go however. If I don’t go to physio then I’m never going to get better and twelve months from now, my current shit situation won’t have changed. Can you imagine how much better I will feel if this has been the issue all along(muscle tighntess, bad posture etc). I can’t cope much longer with this rib pain , had enough of watching so carefully what I do and don’t eat. I suppose I’m also really worried of no physio or other manual therapist being able to help me, frightened of being stuck like this for the rest of my life……..my life isn’t a life at the moment, it’s more of just an existence. I’m not the highly intelligent, go getting, fashion conscious mad Andy who I used to be and this saddens me. I used to get lots of female women looking at me and smiling, giving me the eye(I’m probably imagining this bit haha), now though I wouldn’t pull a door knob never mind a gorgeous fit girl. EVEN MY MUSCULAR BOOBS HAVE ALL GONE LADIES, sad sad times when even this has happened haha. No seriously, I need ‘muscle tightness’ through twenty years of tensing up, to be the reason I’ve been feeling soooo unwell at present. It would make perfect sense if this is what all my problems have been down too, given I have been getting in highly anxious states for at least the last twenty years. I played football as a kid for school and can remember getting tense and stressed about this, and that was when I was ten, I’m now thirty-seven for crying out loud.

Today and tomorrow I’m therefore ringing up the physiotherapists I shortlisted after hours of googling last week. The plan is to go to my first preferred one next week. I want to go asap at the prospect of somebody me helping put at end to my severe pains and nausea, but at the same time I’m scared to do so due to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder illness as just discussed.  I need things to improve so I can start seeing somebody for my OCD too.  After my first physio appointment I will to tell you how it went and how I coped. I need things to start improving soon because HEAVEN KNOWS I DON’T WANT TO BE MISERABLE ANYMORE! 😦