An unique boxing take on my battle with cellulitis!

Harry H :  

Welcome fight fans here on MEDICAL CONDITION FIGHT NIGHT TV,  this is your host Harry Hay fever here alongside Vernon Vasectomy, in deepest rainiest North Manchester, England, at an unique packed venue tonight called SCARFY TOWERS. You join us in the middle of a Cruiserweight contest between two outstanding up and coming prospects. In the red corner and PINK frilly shorts, we have ‘SUPER SEXY SCARFMAN’  who comes to the ring with an unblemished unbeaten record, he’s a real fan favourite. He’s a former TYPE ONE DIABETIC Welterweight Champion(I was like a rake when diagnosed) and also a former Light-Heavyweight PROSTATITIS Champion. Trust me fight fans when I tell you this guy is going places. Oh and for our lady viewers tonight, let me just say from your perspective this guy is that hot that if you snogged him right now……YOU’D END UP BEING FRIED ALIVE. This is a message from our sponsors tonight, SCARFWORLD-‘the number ones in SCARVES’ and we thank them for your support……NOW GO AND GET KNOTTED.  His opponent from the dark evil side is called ‘MR CRAFTY CRAPPY CELLULITIS’ and I know I should stay impartial Vern, but what a nasty piece of work this CELLULITIS chap really is. He’s a dirty, nasty fighter, he’s known for sneaking up opponents when their guard’s are often down…..if I’m wrong Vern tell me if I’m wrong?

Vernon V:

No you’re right Harry Hay fever, this Cellulitis dude is SCUM, pure a simple….but we’re paid to just call the fights Harry, not to give opinions remember. I’ve seen this Mr Crafty Crappy Cellulitis commit truly horrific damage to some opponents. You did see his last fight where he KNOCKED OUT Umberto Umbrella inside the first round?  This fight fans is a real monster we have before us, he’s as cold as ice but burns like hell when he lands a blow or two to the skin……make no danger Scarfman is in one hell of fight here.

Harry H :

Yeah I know what you’re saying Vernon Vasectomy, but this Scarfman is no ordinary fighter, if you chopped him in half you’d see the word FIGHTER imprinted in his soul. No you mark my words Vern, if any human force can defeat the evil forces of Mr Cellulitis here then this SCARF SOLDIER ‘SCARFMAN’ can…….C’MON SCARFY, I’m sure the viewers won’t mind me being a tad biased. OK then fight fans just before the fighters come out for Round 4, let me tell how this battle has gone up to this point. In Round One and this came as no surprise because Mr Cellulitis is famous for making a fast start, he pounced on a somewhat nonplussed Sexy Super Scarfman like a nasty RASH and was all over him, almost literally. I’ve never seen Scarfman so unprepared for such a vicious assault have you Vern?

Vernon V :

No me neither Harry. This kid Scarfy has taken some knocks in the past but I just don’t think he took Mr Cellulitis seriously enough at first, he seemed unaware of what damage could be done to him here. He threw a few token half hearted jabs out in the form of Sudocrem and Aqueous cream, but Mr Cellulitis just walked straight through them. Believe me when I say this Harry but near the end of the first round ‘Super Sexy Scarfman’ was in a real bad way. I thought at one point the ref might come in and stop this contest but Scarfy just held on and boy was he relieved to hear the sound of that bell to mark the end of the first round.

Harry H :

You sooooooooo right Vernon Vasectomy, truly astonishing scenes here at SCARFY TOWERS. In Scarfman’s corner his trainer was heard shouting the words at him, “use you left hook of ciprofloxacin antibiotics on him, he’s nowhere to run after you land this on him Scarfy”.  He came out for the Round Two and can you believe his left hook of ciprofloxacin didn’t have any effect on Mr Crafty Crappy Cellulitis, Cellulitis just walked straight through it.

Vernon V :

I know Harry, with each blow of ciprofloxacin having no effect on Mr Cellulitis, you could see Scarfman’s face grow more and more anxious. He simply did not have any answers for Cellulitis at this stage, this looked the night where sadly evil was going triumph over good. We then hear his trainer Dr Hohhmann shout, “use your right hook of clarithromycin at him”. Even in this packed arena we heard him shout this, Scarfy just look pleased to have been given some more help.

Harry H :

Yes but can you believe it that Scarfman didn’t seem able to throw this shot correctly(in reality they made me ill) ,so the clarithromycin right hooks did not land properly and so didn’t have a chance to hurt Mr Cellulitis.

 Vernon V:

I know but I wasn’t that surprised Harry, after all Scarfman is only a novice in boxing terms. This kid has real potential though to grow up one day to become one of the world’s finest fighters….EVER. I was more shocked at what happened next if I am honest. Obviously flustered that this right hook wasn’t working correctly, he then tried what can only be described as a MONSTER  LEFT UPPERCUT………..AND ENDED UP MISSING MR CELLULITIS COMPLETELY AND ENDED UP HITTING HIMSELF(In reality I took some antibiotic via an intravenous drip and had an allergic reaction reaction to it, gave me a skin rash all over) . I tell you last time I saw something like that was in the 60s when a hapless Mr Herman Hemorrhoids, hit himself up the bottom after taking a wild misplaced swing at Mrs Tina Tongue Thrush.

Harry H : At this stage at the end of Round Two it was definitely two rounds to nil to Mr Cellulitis. The sight of their Scarf heartthrob taking such a pasting was almost too much to bear for some of his female stalkers in the audience. I heard one woman shout, “PLEASE DON’T PUNISH SCARFMAN ANYMORE MR CELLULITIS, WE JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO STOKE HIS ……SCARF/SCARVES AGAIN”. Then I looked over to his corner and witnessed a remarkable scene fight fans, his trainer was replaced mid fight and now in his corner was trainer GP Dr Evans(female) and this very young Chinese looking guy who hailed from the gym of A & E at the Royal Oldham Hospital.

Vernon V :

I know Harry, never have I seen such an occurrence happen in the ring, well OK it was outside it but you get my point.

Harry H :

I do Versectomy, I sure do, quite incredible.

Vernon V :

Thing you have to remember though viewers though, is that this Scarf kid is a true innovator, he really is. He likes pushing the boundaries, being original and not following the crowd. Look at all the abuse he got over a decade ago when he wore scarves as a fashion accessory, no other straight man barring David Beckham would have had such a nerve. He got dogs of abuse in the street from ugly fat jealous men, but did Scarfy care, like hell he did. No Harry, what we see here before us in Scarfy is a true pioneer in the sport of boxing…… and in life in general I guess, him changing trainers after two rounds of a fight is just typical of this great guy.

Harry H :

At the end of Round 2 we distinctly heard his now two new trainers barking the orders at him, “USE A STIFF RIGHT JAB FULL OF THE ANTIBIOTIC CLINDAMYCIN AT HIM”. At first Scarfman looked somewhat concerned, given his record with being able cope with antibiotics, but he just put a brave face on it and came out firing like the true warrior he is.

Vernon V :

Yes Harry and finally this saw Scarfman getting a foothold in this fight. The red burning skin strikes from Mr Cellulitis were beginning to fade and Scarfy started parading around the ring once more in those pink frilly shorts……….LIKE A PEACOCK IN THE MATING SEASON.

Harry H :

And who best to give us that description than you Vernon Versectomy…..this is in your BALL park so to speak afterall.

Vernon V :

Indeed Harry, indeed my man.

Harry H :

Anyway back to the action of Round Three. ‘Super Sexy Scarfman’ is well on top in this round right until nearly the end of the round, when he momentarily gets distracted by a fine looking filly wearing walking past the ring apron wearing a SPARKLY GOLD SCARF(in reality I scratched my leg and drew blood, so this aggravated the cellulitis I think). As a result and typical of such a nasty chep opportunist that Mr Crafty Crappy Cellulitis is, he jumped all over Scarfy like a rash once again, ending the round by giving him some more red fleshy marks to worry about.

Vernon V : 

Then Scarfy pulls another rabbit out of the hatch once again and CHANGES TRAINERS AGAIN(had to see another GP, ones I liked weren’t there argh). This time Dr Hassan was the chosen one, if he looked like a boxing trainer then than my Aunt Sally is called Uncle Bertie….if you get me Harry(I wasn’t overly impressed, especially when he said you got what, psoriasis….pillock)? Scarfy at first looked very disregarding to his new training recruit, at one point I thought he was going to spit out his gum shield at him……..nothing would surprise me when Scarfman is around Harry.

Harry H :

I heard his new new trainer Dr Hassan say very quietly to him, “SCARFMAN, MORE STIFF RIGHT JABS OF CLINDAMYCIN BUT YOU NEED TO HIT HIM HARDER WITH IT”(in reality this meant I’ve been told to take 300mg of Clindamycin four times a day now, upping it from three times a day).  So this where you join now fight fans, we’re almost ready to go for the 4th Round action.

Vernon V :

The action is underway once more and this new tactic really seems to be working for Scarfman, Harry.  After suffering that setback late in Round 3, he definitely seems to be on top once again.

Harry H :

C’MON ‘SUPER SEXY SCARFMAN’…..I’M A BELIEVER, YOU CAN DO THIS BUDY , I’M A BELIEVER GIRLS……….ARE YOU???????

TO BE CONTINUED

NB Back to the real world, hope you enjoyed reading my attempted funny take with my battle at trying to get rid of this cellulitis?  So I’m now taking a higher dose of clindamycin.Only had this new higher dose once and oh my goodness, I felt like an alien by bedtime so fingers crossed I can cope on them. If not it’ll be back to doctors argh. WATCH OUT FOR THE CONCLUDING REPORT/BLOG OF THIS FIGHT, MR CRAFTY CRAPPY CELLULITIS WILL BE DEFEATED AND SUPER SEXY SCARFMAN WILL REIGN SUPREME!! ;D