As a man who has just recently turned the tender age of thirty eight ha ha, I first became a vegetarian around the age of seventeen. At seventeen I had this female Sociology A-level teacher who was an ardent veggie and so every lesson it seemed, she would regale us with some anecdote as to why we should be ones too. I say regale,was more like horrify to be honest. I can still recall her going on about the awful condition battery hens were kept in. I can still recall her going on about how they made Polo Mints and this in particular made me feel on uneasy because I was a regular sucker of them…Polos I mean! Therefore, as an impressionable young adult it was not long before her endless anti-meat eating tales worked on me and I became a full-time vegetarian. I think to my late Dad me going veggie was some slight against my macho manhood ha ha. I can still remember us going on holiday in this hotel and him saying to the owners, “Oh, it’s just a phase he’s going through”…God bless the old fool ha h ha ha.  Anyway, I have proved him wrong as I’m still a veggie to this day.

You ask any vegetarian and they’ll be able to entertain with some horror stories(albeit very funny ones), when they ate meat sometime by mistake.  My disastrous highlight was when I was twenty-one and had gone into some fast-food bar whilst drunk, and I ordered a veggie burger.  When I had got back to my student digs I was still pissed and so when I took the first bite out of this supposed veggie burger and thought it tasted like a meat one, I too inebriated to care and just carried on eating……………..BIG MISTAKE! I’m not going to graphically describe the state of my bowels post meat burger, but the phrase ‘BOMBAY BELLY’ springs to mind if you know what I mean….and the WC became my best friend for two days ha ha ha, I can laugh about it now but never again ARGH!

Now I guess you describe me a lazy vegetarian. I’m not one of those earthy, free loving veggie types that regular makes stuff like Lentil Risotto or Cabbage and KidneyBean Stew(if such meals exist, I’m sure some veggies have made them somewhere) ha ha. Nope, I instead eat more meat substitute stuf……….’boooooooooo ,CHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT, I hear you cry’ ha. I mean the type of stuff supermarkets and the likes of Holland and Barrett’s sell. I love eating Pot Noodles because it’s soya meat. I love eating ‘pretend bacon’ and ‘pretend sausages’….even if most of my family and friends mock that they taste like cardboard ha ha!

This leads me on to crisps. I unashamedly love crisps because as a diabetic type one also since the age of seventeen, this means I can not eat lots of sweet stuff. For years I’ve eaten meat flavoured crisps safe in the knowledge that they are all ‘vegetarian friendly’, because it is just meat flavouring rather than coming from actual meat. WALKERS CRISPS have changed the bloody rules to this however by now doing meat flavoured crisps that ARE NOT vegetarian friendly. Three or four times in the last year I’ve gone to open a bag of say chicken or beef flavoured Walkers crisps, only to discover JUST IN TIME that there is no magic ‘Approved by the Vegetarian Society’ ‘V’ on them. I don’t why Walkers are doing this all of a sudden? I can only eat so many bags of Cheese & Onion and Tomato sauce flavoured ones guys…..gee whiz ha.

Anyway, yesterday was a hectic day for me. I’d been up very early to go for a lymphogram scan at the hospital(checks out your lymph glands) and so when I entered a Morrisons six hours later I was a combination of being really knackered but high on life that the day had gone well.  I then stumbled upon the crisps section and started surveying which ones didn’t have WHEAT in because I reckon I’ve just discovered I could be allergic. I descended upon these new bacon ones from Walkers that claimed to be ‘deliciously extra crunchy’….oooh they looked the job for I thought so I duly bought a big pack. After another two hours via public transport I landed home and couldn’t get these new bacon crisps  from Walkers opened quick enough. I reckon by about 11pm I had devoured two-thirds of the bag.  THEN DISASTER STRUCK, it suddenly occurred me that I remember checking they were OK wheat wise but not veggie wise…FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, true enough as I then looked I discovered they weren’t vegetarian friendly and I’d fallen into into the trap of assuming they must be…cos all crisps used to be  veggie friendly argh. WALKERS WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, through your change of tactics I’ve now eaten PIG for the first time in years…well OK technically crisps aren’t an actual pig but you get my point……………..I hope ha ha! I DEMAND A MASS PROTEST UNTIL WALKERS MAKE ALL THEY MEAT FLAVOURED CRISPS, VEGGIE FRIENDLY AGAIN. I WANT WOMEN VEGGIE BURNING THEIR  VEGGIE BRAS IN PROTEST………………I’LL EVEN SACRIFICE A FEW PAIRS OF MY PINK UNDERPANTS! ;D

WALKERS CRISPS, THIS TIME YOU’VE PICKED ON THE WRONG VEGGIE………………YOU’VE NO IDEA THE  LETHAL THINGS I CAN DO WITH A MARROW AND AUBERGINE IN MY HANDS! THIS ISN’T A BATTLE………..THIS IS VEGGIE CRISPS WAR! ;D

(If any people reading this took this seriously then don’t, it was a VEGGIE CRISP PARODY)

THANK YOU! ;D