I will always be a SOFT, SENSITIVE and EMOTIONAL MAN.  This is a fact of life that I do not mind one bit. Well OK, at times I wish was a bit harder, bit rougher around the edges but that just is not me and never will be.  I can play the pseudo ‘hard man’ quite well though when I am out and about. I am almost 6ft in height and weigh around fifteen stone with a medium sized build. I can look ‘hardish’ when I want to and I do a brilliant hard strut ha ha, but underneath I am as soft as a little baby kitten.  Those of you that personally know me will recognise this description of myself(the big softie bit).   I just wanted to do a blog to the world where I extolled my sensitive and emotional side.  In the main, I love being like this!

Years ago when my late Dad was alive I can remember at times all the family laughing at him for being sooooo soft and emotional.  He would open up his birthday cards every year and after reading the words inside them, he would then well up with emotion due to being so moved by their meaning.  We did not make fun of him in a nasty way, it was laughter in an endearing way. Bless him for getting so emotional I always thought to myself.  He was the same build and height as me and so looking at him you would not think that he was a softy.  He could be one of the lads when he wanted to be, however he sort of stood out too. He had this ‘larger-than-life’ personality side to him with a good heart. He sort of had this Del-Boy edge to him.  This meant that he was very funny but it also meant it hid just how insecure a person he was deep inside. His insecurities would be frustrating at times.

I think about my personality traits and then so mirror my late Father’s(see a previous Father’s Day blog).  I am really sensitive to the point where it is reflected in the films that I like to watch, the clothes I like to wear and the people that I like to hang around with.  I have NEVER been ‘one of the lads’ and I do not regret this one bit. At University, I hated laddish behaviour…..it just seemed immature to me and so never wanted to hang around with such folk.  My best mate is not as emotional or soft as me but we get on great exactly because we are not your typical ‘pair of blokes’.

I remember being around the age of twenty and really getting into the gym.  I also used to have all my hair shaved off too. On nights out at the weekend I would be there in the clubs with a dead tight T-shirt on showing off my muscles, thinking I was MR.T or The (Mancunian) Incredible Hulk. It makes me cringe now when I think back to those days. In my defence I blame my hormones, what was I thinking argh. Around this time I remember going to a family wedding and I noticed the female relatives looking at me a bit strangely. Later it came back via my Mum that they thought I looked really aggressive with all my hair shaved off. The famous ‘Lloyd thick eyebrows’ next to a bald head magnified this look even more. Upon hearing this I thought to myself ‘right, stop trying to be this fake hard man’. I have never been a hard man and never will be, so thought it was about time I started being true to myself and to everybody else.

First thing I did was to STOP shaving all my hair off.  I entered my ‘Tin-Tin’ phase as I like to call it. You know who I mean right, that fictional comic character who has his hair stuck up at the front.  I then became all metrosexual. I loved going to the sales and buying really fashionable clothes. I loved shopping at places like Reiss and Nigel Hall and buying clothes of striking colours. I loved wearing yellow jumpers but most of all I LOVED ANYTHING IN THE COLOUR PINK………still applies to this day.

I also like to look a bit of an individual(but trendy with it) and so noticed that a few trendy men had started wearing scarves as a fashion accessory. After I bought three linen scarves in a summer Reiss sale one year(orange, green and PINK) , then after this I was completely hooked on them.  The scarves became my little thing that made my look and outfits stand out. I can even remember a lecturer one year mentioning my clothes in a lecture once(really). My clothes now reflected my personality more. I love pink because first and foremost I love the colour. Nevertheless, I also love because it gives me and hopefully others connotations of sensitivity, emotion and vulnerability. All these apply to me and I like this aspect about me.

The films that are my favourites are the ones that have made me cry the most. I love being moved to tears by a brilliant film, I feel a better person for it afterwards. My favourite film is Life is Beautiful and whenever I hear the soundtrack it instantly brings a tear to my eye. The same applies with books that I love too.  A few years ago I read a great novel by Alision MacLeod called Unexploded and upon finishing it, I became very aware that tears were gushing down my face.  Rather than feeling ‘only wimps cry’ like some people think, I was not embarrassed at all. I love being in touch with ‘feminine side’.  I wear my heart-on-my-sleeve and am very open with my emotions…..AND I AM PLEASED I AM LIKE THIS.  Yes, I wish I was mentally stronger but not if it is at the expense of my emotional side.

There are of course downsides to having a soft, sensitive and emotional personality. For example, I worry too much about what people think about me. Sometimes I can be very opinionated and direct with my language. At the time I do not regret my behaviour however hours later when I start thinking things over, l tend to then start feeling guilty how I may have come across(if I offended anybody). I can remember having this massive crush once on this girl in Sixth Form.  I thought she knew that I liked her but that she did not fancy me back.  As result of this ‘supposed rejection’ I behaved like a right immature idiot with her and for years later regretted how I behaved. About two years ago we found each other on twitter. The first thing I wanted to do YEARS LATER…… was still apologise to her for acting like a right nob.  She had forgotten all about it and did not have any idea how I felt about her back then.  My point here is that due to being soooooooooo sensitive I let this rankle with me for years. Other guys would not have given it a second thought.

People I know in life have to make allowances for me due to me being such a sensitive softy. An example of this is how badly I took not doing well at College(the rare, odd time ha). I had a real close relationship with my young female Media Studies tutor and she knew just how sensitive I was. I got an essay back from her once where I had not done that well.  I can still remember her now telling me that she did have to tell me the truth on how I had done, even though it had crossed her mind not too. She knew I would be upset.  I know family members find it hard living with me at times due to my sensitivity.  I am the type that gets frustrated and worried when somebody does not tweet you or text you straight back.  I imagine all sorts for why they have not instantly replied and I wish I was not like this. Usually there is some perfectly rational explanation. I am trying to get better with this aspect of myself because I know it is an insecure character flaw of mine, it is just hard at times though.

I hate confrontation in life. At times I feel like a right wimp for being this way.  I often quote myself as that nervy female character from Only Fools and Horses called ‘NERVOUS NERYS’ argh. I can do ‘fake hard’ like I say and I am not a physically a weakling by any means, but most of the time I feel like one.  I am friends with the UK’s number one MMA/UFC fighter, Michael ‘The Count’ Bisping.  We are both north-west lads who love a laugh and a joke. I just wish I was as mentally strong as him though.  Being a fighter he literally comes across as having BALLS OF STEEL. He does not take any messing from anybody.  I guess that is one of the reasons why I am such a fan of his.  I envy his mental toughness.

In 1999 pop star Lolly released a song entitled, ‘Big Boys Don’t Cry’.  I have never liked this song because I do not think crying is a thing that men should be ashamed of doing.  I am a BIG BOY THAT DOES CRY…….and it is all to do with me being such a SOFT, SENSITIVE AND EMOTIONAL MAN! Would I rather be a ‘hard nut’ than being like this? NO THANKS, I AM HAPPY THE WAY I AM……………….WELL, MOST OF THE TIME!