Last night quite rightly could be argued as the worst night EVER  in the history of English football.  In the Allianz Riviera stadium in Nice, England were sent home from Euro 2016 after giving the most abject of abject displays against that very well known footballing nation of…….ICELAND!!! A country with a population the size of Wakefield(as one of the commentators on ITV said last night), somehow they managed to shock the footballing world by beating mighty England.   To use an acting analogy with England’s pitiful display, it was like watching eleven Sir David Jason’s suddenly morph into eleven DANNY DYER’S!!!!

I knew England and especially striker Harry Kane were going to be up against it once ITV pundit Ian ‘DICKO’ Wright said minutes before the game, “I really fancy Harry to nick a couple today, fingers crossed for him”.  In fairness to Ian I too envisaged that happening before the game had started.  I think Ian is a dreadful pundit who huffs and puffs a lot without actually saying anything that meaningful or understandable.  Nevertheless, I thought he had had an OK night last night.  I sat that there to my surprise occasionally nodding at some of his damning criticism of England post match.  I just want Ian to do me a big favour though for the remaining games because this really drives me around the bend, STOP CALLING FELLOW PUNDIT LEE DIXON ‘DICKO’ FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

Regarding the game, England could not have got off to a better start. Raheem Sterling went over in the Icelandic box after a clumsy late challenge from their goalkeeper and England were awarded a well deserved penalty kick.  England talisman Wayne Rooney stepped up and consummately slotted home the penalty and everything seemed to be on script, for about thirty seconds.  Iceland within seconds equalized after they delivered a long throw in into England’s box which England failed deal with properly via some diabolical defending.  This Icelandic goal was against the run of play though with England being the superior team in the initial stages.

England seemed to be in control without ever being able to make their pressure count with more goals(a reoccurring problem that they had in their three group games).   Then just when you thought England must surely go into the lead again soon, England goalie Joe Hart(Mr Head & Shoulders) had another nightmare in goal.  Iceland shot a pretty tame effort at him but somehow he managed to make a right pig’s ear of it and let it in.  In the words of the famous cricket commentator Sir Geoffrey Boycott, ‘my grandmother could have saved that’, such was the enormity of this rickett by Hart!

In the second half and again I hate to agree with the normally very average ITV1 football coverage, but the England players just seemed to completely capitulate before our very own eyes in the second half.  They all seemed to panic at the prospect of losing to a footballing minnow such as Iceland and the harsh criticism then that would be rightly heading their way afterwards.  It was truly staggering just how poor England were in that second half.  Players could not string two passes together or even just simply control the ball.  Harry Kane took a free kick that went nearer the corner flag than the goal such was the poor nature of it. He also then crossed a ball moments later that was ludicrously over hit, just when England needed some quality from him.  I have never seen him play a game as poorly as that and the same could be said of captain Wayne Rooney.  His performance second half was truly woeful.  He kept giving the ball away and everything he seemed to try went wrong.  Forget eleven David Jason’s turning into eleven Danny Dyer’s, it was that bad it was like watching eleven Bruce Springsteen’s turn into eleven Chico’s. It sadly was Chico time for the England players and on their way out of Euro 2016 England duly went.

During this tournament so far the BBC’s coverage has been far superior to that of ITV’s.  Therefore, I cannot be alone in being irked by the fact that ITV had three out of the four England games, I thought they were meant to be shared?  In fairness to ITV though I did not mind their coverage that much last night.  I thought four pundits was one too many for their last England game so three definitely worked better for me this time, even if they did omit their best pundit Slaven Bilic for some strange reason.  I find Lee Dixon a tad over the top in terms of him doing his stern Alan Hansen impersonation, but overall I thought most of what they said was bang on the money.   I fully agreed with all the pundits that Marcus Rashford only coming on for the last five minutes was a big tactical mistake my England manager Roy Hodgson.  Glenn ‘he’s got to hit the target’ Hoddle doing the co-commentary though still reminded me of tad of Ken Barlow ,i.e dull and boring.  I was just thankful that former Germany great Lothar Matthaus had been given the night off because he is to football punditry to what Bernard Matthews was to vegetarian cooking, i.e hopeless!

Moments after the game it was announced that England manager Roy Hodsgon had resigned, along with his assistant coaches Ray Lewington and Gary Neville.  Roy had nowhere else to go after such a disastrous night for English football.  Whenever the England  football team do badly in a summer tournament you then get these uneducated idiots moaning about how much the players earn and how the players don’t seem to care.  This is overly emotive cobblers and too easy a thing to say.  You could argue them caring too much last night was the main reason why they froze so much with such panic in the second half.  If you compare the current successful England rugby team with the footy team, then it is clear as day that the football team had been badly managed and coached throughout these European Championships.  England lacked a distinctive style of play and the selection of the team looked muddled throughout the tournament.

I read England’s current under 21’s manager Gareth Southgate could be the next England manager. God help us if this happens because for me he’s like the Steve Davis of football, i.e. that former famous snooker player that had less charisma than a tin of sardines.  That said, right now the reputation of English football could not get any lower.  Never thought the England football team would be battered, deep fried and then gobbled up by the Icelandic team.  I will therefore skip a plateful of fish and chips for my tea tonight if you don’t mind because right now…… I still feel rather queasy!

England’s performance – 0/5.

ITV1’s performance – 3/5.