I am going to be unashamedly very boastful here and SHOUT OUT LOUD, TODAY HAS BEEN A BLOODY GOOD DAY PEOPLE!!!  

Today, I have had another great exposure day, similar to the one I had a few weeks ago.   For those of you who didn’t read my last blog about my mental health, I have suffered with OCD and emetophobia for the last twenty odd years, and it has been truly horrific for around the last eight.   This blog is just a celebration of a great day that I have had ‘FIGHTING IT’ today.

For the last few days I have had butterflies in my tummy because I was really dreading today.  In fact, the only way I coped was by trying to forget that today was happening, the day where I promised myself that I was going to exposure myself to an uncomfortable situation again.  I had set myself the target of going to a local shopping centre, that would be for the first time in OVER EIGHT YEARS!

I woke up this morning absolutely dreading the day ahead, I did not want to go to this shopping centre pure and simple.  I spoke to my amazing mother about it all and told her about all the worst case scenarios that I was fearing might happen, e.g. that I might see, smell or walk in sick…..and if I did then I would not be able to cope.  I was getting myself in a right flap, I was thinking about saying I wasn’t going to go after all.

I forced myself to go though for a number of reasons.  Firstly, in order so I would not back out, I had deliberately told a lot of people within the mental health community on Twitter that I was planning this exposure day.  The love and support on there has been lovely so I did not want to let these people down.  Secondly, I did it so I could then tell my therapist the good news when I see her next week.  She was overjoyed at my trip to the rail station so know I am going to get a similar positive reaction this time around.  Finally, I did it for myself.  I knew if I did not go then this would make me feel really depressed afterwards.  I need to feel like I am taking baby steps forwards.

The trip went better than I expected if I’m honest.  Yet again, I made the long walk to the tram station and avoided walking in any dog poo(an old OCD phobia of mine).  I made it to the town centre via a tram, and coped with the stains on the pavements as I made my way to the shopping centre.  I walked up and down it for about twenty minutes and as I was doing this, I did feel this sense of pride and accomplishment well up inside me.  I just had one last nerve wracking thing to do though before I could call today an unmitigated success.

This last job was to go to a supermarket that I had never been inside for over eight years, I was really nervous.  I went in and I DID IT AGAIN, I COPED!  I paid for my goods and COPED.  I got a tram home and COPED.  Finally, I made the long walk home and yet again, I COPED!

I got home and punched the air in delight at what I had just achieved.  Just for awhile there I was ‘rational Andy’, the part of me that I need to harness and bring out more and more.  I like ‘rational Andy, I really like him.  You see ‘rational Andy’ won’t be bullied by ‘irrational Andy’.  My dear Mum is happy at me going and the support I’ve had from people on social media has been amazing.  You don’t know how far a ‘well done Andy’ or a LIKE/LOVE goes, they almost bring a tear to my eye.

I reiterate I still have a long, long way to go yet but a baby step forwards like this, is definitely better than taking one back.  TODAY HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY………….I DID IT AGAIN!