Not going to lie, today has been a bloody good day.

Around about two hours ago, I was sat here reading my Twitter and Facebook pages with happy tears in my eyes.  You see, today I had a triumph with regards to me fighting my OCD. This is the utterly debilitating OCD that has made me a prisoner in my own home.  It has been bullying me non-stop for years……..BUT TODAY MY FRIENDS I FOUGHT BACK!

I had a therapy appointment today and as is my way I was determined to get on a bus there and back, BUT do it standing up rather than taking a seat.  This all goes back to when I unknowingly sat in a seat with vomit on it at my local doctors surgery around eight years ago.  It made me go right into my shell I’m afraid.  I thought of suicide and self harmed all because I was scared I’d never get rid of the smell of sick, together with being too frightened to go anywhere.  I NEARLY GAVE UP ON LIFE such was my level of distress.

I have been having therapy and taking meds in the last twelve months and things have been really improving of late.  I have been doing exposure exercises in order to try and fight my fears.  This leads on to today with my therapy appointment.  On the way home on the bus I stood up as normal but there wasn’t really any room. I usually stand where the baby trolleys go but this woman was in my regular spot(argh), a really unhelpful woman I should add.  As she went to get off the bus I decided I’d have to move towards the back of it in order to get out of her way.  I am not exactly sure how the following then happened because it wasn’t pre-planned or anything, but I then lost my rag with MYSELF and ended up taking the BULL BY THE HORNS and SAT DOWN ON A SEAT!!  THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE SAT DOWN ON A BUS IN OVER EIGHT YEARS, SINCE THAT NASTY INCIDENT AT THE DOCTORS.

Even now as I write this blog, I can’t believe that I did it.  It is such a HUGE step forwards for me.  It felt sooooooooo good to just do something normal for a change, a thing that millions of people do on a daily basis without giving it a second thought.  I sat there next to this woman ALL TENSED UP.  It was a pretty surreal experience if I’m honest.  I just prayed that I’d done the right thing sitting down, exposing myself to my fears.

I got home and am pleased to report that my clothes smelt fine and this has given me such a massive confidence boost.   I yelled out in extreme exaltation to my dear mum, that I had just done a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to do again(sitting on a bus).  I TOOK THE PLUNGE as a dear friend of mine said I should yesterday, with regards to me fighting my OCD.

I just had to write this day down in a blog because the supportive reaction that I have received on social media from people has truly been overwhelming, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Going forwards then, I know this day can’t be a one-off.  I need to do it again and again and again if I want it to mean anything.  I want my life back and that therefore means that I have to stand up to the nasty bully that is OCD.  I’ve still got a way to go yet………….BUT I THINK I AM SLOWLY GETTING THERE!