This is blog where I celebrate my continued fight against my OCD.  This is a blog where I proudly boast of going to the gym yesterday, for the first time in over TWENTY years!

Back when I was aged twenty years old, I was a complete gym fanatic.  I was one of those annoying men that wore very tight tops on a night out so I could show off my muscles to everybody(makes me cringe now).  I guess looking back now, you could definitely say that I had become addicted to the gym.

In fairness to me though, I also loved sports with a passion growing up.  For example, I played cricket and football for various teams.  Exercise and sport up until the age of twenty, were such a massive part of my life.  However, then I got really ill and all this had to stop.  I faced with the prospect of possibly having prostate cancer.

After several investigations prostate cancer was ruled out twice and instead I was diagnosed with an illness called chronic bacterial prostatitis(a prostate infection).  The infections left me with chronic pelvic pain.  The condition was that severe that I could barely walk without being in agony, never mind going to the gym or playing cricket.  This prompted me to go into a massive state of depression.  Exercise had been my great stress reliever at university but now I could no longer could do this.  I used to look at joggers going past my house when I was studying and it really used to upset me.  Crikey, I even used to get upset watching the athletic dancers on Strictly Come Dancing strut their stuff.

Fast-forward to eight years ago and I had the biggest OCD contamination flare-up that I have ever had.  It stopped me almost doing everything in my life.  My keep fit gym days were a long distant memory, there was no way could I go to the gym now I thought!

In the last sixteen months, I have been getting help for both my wonky pelvis and my severe OCD.   I know people say you should never look back and should instead concentrate on going forwards, nevertheless I’ve longed for so long to get the old me back.   The part of me that could go to the gym without fear of contamination.  The part of me that could exercise without then being in absolute agony afterwards.  I joke about my ill health, but mentally it can wear you out after suffering for so long.

I have been doing CBT exposures in the last year and so came to the decision recently that I wanted to try going to the gym once again.  This would be next on my hit list I decided, it would be such an achievement if I could handle it.  I was full of motivation to do this, it’s such a key thing for me when doing exposures.  I am fed up looking fat in photos, feeling embarrassed at the state of my body.  If I could get going to the gym again then this would be another thing to be proud at myself about.

Yesterday then was the day of gym induction.  Beforehand, I was feeling incredibly nervous.  My Mr Irrational(in my head) was having this constant fight with my Mr Rational all morning.  I considered backing out of going at one point but knew this would be a backward step in terms of my recovery.  I constantly thought about my motivation for going though.  Furthermore, I guess I also knew that the only way to conquer my OCD fears of the gym was to EMBRACE THEM, live with the fears like I had done in the best with some of my other recent exposures.  I knew had to face this fear head-on if I wanted to carry on improving.

I am pleased to report that I faced my fears and duly had the induction.  I managed that well that I spent a further TWO HOURS in the gym afterwards.  I had a few trigger smells and a few wobbles along the way, however I stamped down on them really quickly.  I got home feeling absolutely ecstatic at what I had just done.  It was another one of those evening where I told people on social media at what I had just done, then having tears in my eyes at reading their lovely supportive reactions.

I wanted to socially document this achievement because it shows just how far I have come in terms of fighting my OCD.  I would not have thought this possible as little as twelve months ago.  I’m elated, feel joyous and yes, I feel the happiest I have felt about myself in such a long time.  Oh, boy was it good seeing you once again gym!