A zest for life is how I would best sum-up how I am feeling right now.  You see, I am still on a high from the events of yesterday.  I did an CBT exposure that I swore to everybody that I would never do, I sat down in a chair at my doctors.

For those of you who do not know my backstory, I was diagnosed with severe contamination OCD around the age of 16-17 years old.  It mainly revolved around a fear of me standing in dog poo. Then, I had a massive trigger some 11-12 years ago, when I unknowingly sat in vomit at my local doctors.

As a result of this incident at the doctors, my OCD well and truly exploded.  I completely withdrew from life.  I became a recluse and for a good number of years I was just existing rather than living.  I thought all my home was contaminated with the smell of sick.  I threw everything away that I could, e.g. clothes, computer, mobile phones etc, etc.

 I finally admitted to myself that I desperately needed professional help again. I saw a new mental healthcare team who were wonderful with me.  The meds helped me enough for me to want to actively engage with CBT this time.  Baby step by baby step, I did some great exposures.

Fast-forward twenty-four months, and my OCD had been good up to lockdown. I was not cured, but things were tonnes better than they had been.  Then, coronavirus happened and I was seemingly trapped at home again due to being a type one diabetic.  I was worried my OCD would get worse.

In lockdown I have had the odd OCD flare-up, but I have coped mainly by studying and exercising.  Nevertheless, I have been conscious that outside the house I have not been doing enough exposures, i.e. cos I have not been going out anywhere.

Yesterday, I had my annual health review at my new doctors (not the place where I sat in sick all those years ago).  Since that horrific incident at my last doctors, I have made a point of not sitting down on a chair in the waiting or treatment rooms at the new place. I feel a bit bad doing this though because I know it is me giving in to my OCD, i.e. cos I fear I might sit in sick again.

Once in the doctors and speaking to the healthcare assistant, I sort of perched my bum onto one of those patient beds that they have in such places.  Then came her wanting to look at my feet.  How was I going to take my boots and socks off whilst perched high in the air I wondered? She told me it was up to me though whether she looked at my feet.  I wanted to cooperate with her fully, I did not want my OCD stopping me.

Next thing I know, I uttered words and did an action that I could never have envisaged myself ever doing again.  “Sod it, I’ll sit down on the chair to make it easier for you”, I said. Therefore, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A DECADE, I SAT DOWN ON A CHAIR IN A DOCTORS!!

As I was sat down on the chair, I guess my nerves and anxiety were why I then went into chatterbox and funny-man Andy mode.  I never stopped talking to her as well as trying to make her laugh.  It was just my way of coping I suppose.

I was truly touched when this lovely healthcare assistant said to me at the end of my appointment, “you know, this is the best (OCD wise) you’ve been seeing me”.  I am not good at taking compliments, so just replied, “oh, thank you”.  Really though, I wanted to get up and hug her due to my emotions running so high.

Straight after leaving the doctors, 90% of me was chuffed with what I had just done. 10% of me though was worrying slightly if I had done the right thing by sitting down.  I would just have to live with the fear until I got home I told myself.  I then told my dear mum on the phone what had just happened, and she told me how proud of me she was. 

I got home and smelt my jeans to make sure I had not sat in sick again.  The relief was immense when I discovered I had not.  I know this was giving into my OCD a bit (the smelling my jeans bit), but it is all about taking baby steps forwards in my eyes.  Furthermore, I had not smelt them straight afterwards which was good.  I had lived with the fear of not knowing about the jeans whilst I walked home. 

As the rest of the day went by, then the prouder I got at what I had just done by finally sitting down at my doctors.  IT TOOK ME OVER A DECADE TO DO IT, BUT I DID IT!!! I wanted to appear on the six o’clock news to tell the whole wide world my news (instead I did it on my Facebook and Twitter).

Twenty-four hours on and I am still feeling just as elated as I was when I went to bed last night.  The events of yesterday feels like such a breakthrough moment for me.  The task now is sitting down again at my doctors the next time I go.  Repetition, repetition, repetition, this must be my CBT mantra like it has been so much in the past.

This zest for life feels so good. You want to know why? It is because I finally did it my friends, I FINALLY SAT DOWN AT MY DOCTORS!!!!