Last week I went on my first holiday in over thirty years. This was a huge achievement for me because I once suffered from severe contamination OCD. I broke from the shackles of this debilitating illness and proved to everybody (as well as myself), just how far I have come in my recovery journey.

In 2018, my recovery journey featured in a press article and at the end of this article the journalist wrote about me,

‘But the blogger and mental health advocate emphasises that his OCD story is far from over, with a trip to a Manchester United game and a stay in a hotel the next achievements to cross off his list.’

Last year I went to a Manchester United game twice (box ticked) but going to stay in an hotel or apartment, was always going to be next level stuff. When my big sister suggested back in March/April that we go to Whitby for a few days as a family, of course I immediately said yes. I did not want to disappoint my dear mum and sister, but the truth is I was very scared at this prospect.

How would I cope if I saw dodgy looking stains on the carpets in the apartment? How would I cope if I smelt sick in any of the rooms? How would I cope if I walked in dog poo whilst out on a walk, or a seagull did its business on me?

I should point out to those who do not know that a fear of standing in dog dirt and being sick or seeing or smelling it, are my two big issues. I do not pretend that I am completely cured from these fears, but I have come such a long way in terms of my recovery. 15-20 years ago, I became like a prisoner in my home such was my fear of going out and perhaps seeing or standing in them.

However, through a combination of CBT and taking mental health meds for the very first time in my life, gradually things started to improve. I did a series of graded exposures such as standing on public transport before sitting down in them. I can remember walking around a shopping precinct before plucking up enough courage to actually go into a shop. My point here I guess, is that I am still a bit scared of poo and sick, but nowhere near like I used to be.

So, I went to Whitby, a place I had never been to before (which I always find a bit scary OCD wise), with a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I knew I was going to have to be brave, I knew I was going to see things I did not like, and I knew I was going to have to sit with my anxiety and try to make the uncomfortable feel comfortable. Life is about challenges though and I truly wanted to embrace this one and stick another two fingers up at my severe OCD past.

Whitby (a seaside town and port in North Yorkshire, England) as a place, is absolutely lovely and I highly recommend going if you are not familiar with it. It has an old fashioned charm about it that is a bit unusual to find in this day and age. Indeed, if I could sum it up in one word, then ‘quaint’ is how I would best describe it.

From an OCD perspective, my mum and sister told me at the end of our break, just how proud of me they were for coping like I did. We had only been out of the car two seconds when I saw dog dirt on the pavement (Whitby is a dog lovers paradise). Nevertheless, whereas as two decades ago this would have triggered a massive OCD panic attack in me, this time I just calmly walked around it… take that OCD!

We had such a lovely time walking along the seafront, and that of neighbouring Scarborough. Every time we got out of the car, I was scared that something bad might happen regarding my OCD, but I did not let it stop me from joining in. Exposures to your fears really do work because by the end of the break, my walking outside anxiety, was so much less than when we had first arrived there.

There is much to do too. We went on a brilliant Whitby ghost walk, of course had fish and chips (me a halloumi burger and chips being a veggie), but without doubt the highlight for me was Sunday night when we went for a meal at nearby stunning Sneaton Castle.

As meals go, it ticked all the boxes. The food was amazing, the service exceptional, and the building and landscape are truly jaw dropping. It gets the mixture of history with the modern just right.  Trust me, if you ever go to Whitby, then you need to have a meal at Sneaton Castle.

During our break, numerous times I found myself lost in the moment enjoying myself. This is the best thing I can say about fighting and coping with my OCD. I am a great actor meaning I can cover up my anxieties when really, they are raging inside of me.  But I never once felt intense panic, and this is a testament to how far I have come in terms of my recovery.

How did I cope so well you may ask? Mind occupation is such an important coping strategy for me. I played music in the car in between walks, we talked lots in our walks which was a great distraction, and I messaged a really dear beloved friend of mine on WhatsApp a lot (giving her a running commentary of how it was going).

Our visit to Whitby had been a triumph and as I write this line, I have just welled-up. 20 years ago, I only went out when I had to, and I had stopped enjoying life. Yet here I am having just gone on a holiday and was sad to return home (like a lot of people feel).

Whitby will now forever hold a special place in my heart. It is the place where I had a great time, but more importantly, this is the place where I showed the world that I have took my OCD recovery to the next level.

Sea, sunshine, seagulls and … Sneaton Castle, I will definitely be seeing you all again soon, you bet real soon!