MENTAL HEALTH MEDS HAVE BEEN MY SAVIOUR! Me and my mental health.

Posted on January 11, 2018 by SCARFMAN

This is a blog that a few years ago I thought I would never ever be writing.  This is a blog where I am going to say how much going on mental health meds has saved my life!

The first time I tried going on medication for my severe OCD, was back when I was eighteen years old and doing my A-levels.  I was prescribed clomipramine but they made me too drowsy so had to come off them.  After that I decided to try and avoid taking medication, just treat my OCD with CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) I reasoned to myself.

Fast-forward to eight years ago and my OCD was the worst it has ever been in my life.  I was self-harming again and was starting to think about suicide once more.  I just could not see a way out of my depression and the ‘contaminated world’ that I seemingly found myself stuck in.  Therapy wasn’t helping and I’d unfortunately come across a really unhelpful psychiatrist.

As well as feeling suicidal, I was hell to live with back then.  I was snappy, on edge all of the time and I regret to say this, that I treated and spoke to my very close loved ones appallingly.  Thinking back now, I know I was ill(still am but to a lesser degree), but I’m ashamed and totally guilt-ridden at how I behaved towards the people that I loved the most.  Worst of all was that I was making my dear mother ill.

The breakthrough came around eighteen months ago when I asked for a second opinion regarding my mental health.  I prayed that a new mental team had to be better than the last dire lot I had seen.  I spoke to this lovely polite psychologist and again the issue of my mental health and medication came up.  I braced myself for an argument once I told him that I struggled taking any kind of medication, due to it aggravating my pelvic pain.

The psychiatrist then had a light-bulb moment and suggested I try the medication he wanted me to try in medicine/oral solution form.  To other mental health sufferers out there, if you’re not on medication then I really implore to try them long-term because it is one of the best things that I have ever done.  Quite simply, they have given me back my life!

Are they a cure to my severe OCD??? No they are not, but they are making me feel sooooooo much calmer and that I can cope with contamination flare-ups much better now.  Take last Thursday for instance.  I was on my way to see my physio and looked down and saw this brown mark on my trainer(I have a dog dirt phobia).  I started panicking and thinking that this appointment was now in jeopardy.  There was no way I could still go through with it now I immediately thought to myself, especially as I knew I’d be removing my footwear once I got there.

After about ten minutes of panic at the train station, I had calmed down enough to think, ‘ NO, F-OFF OCD, you’re not going to stop me seeing this physio that I most desperately need to see’.  I ended up going to the physios with this dodgy looking mark still on my trainer and ended up touching the trainer several times as I took it off and on.  My point here is, that I believe I primarily coped so well that day because the mental health medications are helping me soooooo much.  I take fluoxetine(serotonin) for my OCD and aripiprazole(dopamine) to help calm me down.

I have done some amazing exposures over the last six months and I really think it’s the meds that have tipped the balance in my favour finally.  By this, I mean that they’re enabling me to do such hard challenges.  Two years ago not on the meds, there is no way I would have sat down busses, shopped at supermarkets or walked around local shopping centres.  I am still in shock that I have arranged to meet up with my best friends over the next couple of months.

I guess I just want all of those people suffering out there with mental health conditions who are not on meds, to finally take the plunge and try them LONG-TERM.  I was worried about taking mine because I also have a phobia about being sick, but not once have they made me feel nauseous or unwell(these ones I’m on now I mean).  Yes, when I take too much aripiprazole it makes me feel drowsy but I now know how much does this to me.  Regarding this medication in particular, I have been told it can make you put on weight a bit.  This isn’t great but as it is helping me so much then I can definitely tolerate this.

For many years, I was a sceptic regarding mental health medication, however now I have completely come full-circle with them.  They have helped me so much that I cannot imagine life not taking them now.   Mental health meds have been my saviour, I hope they can be yours too! 

 

 

 

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LAUGHTER HAS SAVED ME! Me and my mental health.

Posted on January 9, 2018 by SCARFMAN

This isn’t going to be a blog where I try and make you laugh with a series of funny jokes.  I also do not want this to be a blog where it comes across like I’m trying to persuade you about how funny I am.  To be honest, I don’t care whether you think I’m funny or not.  However, the point of this piece is to state to everybody how laughter has helped save my soul.

Years ago, I once had a taxi driver refer to me as Del Boy(that iconic hilarious TV character from Only Fools and Horses) and you know what, it made my entire year.  You see, just as jokey, mickey-taking banter is part of who Del is, humour is also integral to who I am as a person too!

I have suffered with a serious mental health condition since I was sixteen years old(I’m now forty-one).  There are times when I’ve self harmed and there have been times where I wished to no longer be on this planet of ours.  Believing in HOPE got me through the dark times but also did those moments when seemingly out nowhere, I would just crack a joke or make an amusing life observation to my friends or loved ones.  Laughter is my release in life, laughter has and still remains my saving grace.

I can be serious and intellectual when I want to be(and a bighead), however I like myself the best when I am playing the fool.  In therapy I have discussed this side of my personality and we decided to term it as ‘funny Andy’.   I love being him because he doesn’t take life too seriously.  Nobody can annoy me when I’m in ‘funny Andy’ mode and I even make myself laugh when I’m in this persona.  That implies though that it’s an act with me but it never feels like one.  I can’t consciously turn ‘funny Andy’ on and off, like say with the flick of a switch inside me.  Being happy-go-lucky is who I am!

I think if I couldn’t laugh at myself then life would not be worth living, it would be soooooooooooo dull.  On Twitter I refer to myself as @ScarfmanAndy, the one and only scarf superhero(makes me laugh if nobody else).  I went to a local supermarket recently, very nervous because of my OCD, and said ‘thanks mate’, as a fifty-odd year old checkout woman wished me a merry Christmas.  This utterance from me seemed stupidly inappropriate somehow and really made me laugh afterwards.

My OCD has been a bully in the past which has been unrelenting and unforgiving at times.  I have never laughed at my panic attacks because it’s too cruel an illness for that, nevertheless I can’t lie and say I have never laughed about the way I am with my OCD at times.  Seeing the funny side to my mental health suffering, strips the condition somewhat of its power to devastate my life.

I need the pause, the energy and the life fulfilment that having a good sense of humour gives me as a sufferer from a mental health condition.  Take last Thursday for example, I walked into my physios worried sick that I had dog poo on my trainer.  To get through the appointment with my anxiety, I just had to momentarily put this out of my mind and within minutes ‘funny Andy’ was thankfully to the fore again, saying something humourous as is my way!  ‘Funny Andy’ had come to the rescue and boy was I grateful to hear him.

This feels like a rambling blog with no clear direction but I just wanted to express my gratitude to my sense of humour, for helping me get through testing and embarrassing situations in my life.  For example, I can remember making the nurse laugh as she put a new dressing on my hernia wound.  I can also remember always being ‘the funny one’ on student nights out.  Life would be boring without laughter.  Laughter has most definitely saved me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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PEAKY BLINDERS, SERIES 4, EPISODE 6 REVIEW. SIMPLY THE BEST!

Posted on December 21, 2017 by SCARFMAN

Sometimes you really look forward to watching the series finale of a gripping drama on TV, but unfortunately it turns out to be a right big letdown.  ITV1’s Prey(series one) and The Replacement from BBC One, are two recent examples of being very guilty of this.  Nevertheless, some do indeed live up to the much trailed hype, therefore I give you BBC Two’s utterly brilliant Peaky Blinders!

The last episode of series four aired this week and it was everything that I had hoped for.  It was superbly written by creator Stephen Knight.  We had spine tingling suspense throughout the episode, we had snippets of glitz and glamour puncturing the dramatic action, and we also had some downright glorious bloody violence as the mafia finally met their match in the form of the Shelby family.

I wrote the end of the last paragraph with some slight hesitation because in some quarters, this family crime drama has been criticised for being too violent.  This criticism is wrong though because none of the violence say for example in last night’s episode, was gratuitous in nature.  The brutal violence is intrinsic to this drama because it is intrinsic to the Shelby way of life.  Furthermore, it gives the programme a rawness and edginess quality that is appealing to watch.

Last night’s action centred around the final showdown between Tommy Shelby(Cillian Murphy) and his adversary of this series, mafia boss Luca Changretta(Adrien Brody).  The backdrop and spectacle to their showdown was via a brutal and very bloody boxing fight between the two characters Goliath(Dino Kelly) and Bonnie Gold(Jack Rowan).  The plot beautifully twisted and turned as we continued to watch.  The first big shock was us being told that Arthur Shelby(played by the fantastic Paul Anderson) was dead……..I certainly fell for it!

Was I alone when we saw Lizzie(Natasha O’Keeffe), Polly(Helen McCrory), Ada(Sophie Rundle) and Linda(Kate Phillips), all stood together in the ladies chatting to one another, thinking to myself, one if not all of these women are going to go for a right burton here???  The action was that tense and the editing so on point that it really felt like any of this could happen.

Like with all good stories, equilibrium was restored in the end as the Shelby’s won the battle with the menacing Luca Changretta and his mates.  I say his mates, but in the end they all ended up deserting him.  I thought Adrien Brody played the role of this villain character superbly.  Lets just say he certainly put the wind up me a few times, what with his menacing New York Italian twang and his deathly stares.  I thought he was a great addition to the cast this series.

Another shock saw the demise of the brilliant Alfie Solomons character played so well by Tom Hardy.  Ultimately, he double crossed Tommy and so he had to go, but I found myself feeling rather sad that we’ll never get to see him ever again in this great show(unless he does a Bobby from Dallas).

The other main storyline at the end which was more humorous, saw Tommy Shelby becoming a Member of Parliament.  This was due to him gaining the trust of female union agitator Jessie Eden(Charlie Murphy), whilst at the same time doing a deal with the British government.

I sat there at the end marvelling at what a performance I had just witnessed from Irish actor Cillian Murphy.  It was one the finest performances that I’ve ever seen from a lead male in a British drama.  He really is the glue that holds all of this show together.  It’s quite simple, without the majestic Cillian Murphy, there would be no Peaky Blinders in my view.  The sheer quality of his performance was that great that I felt like applauding him as the ending credits rolled.

Peaky Blinders, series four, has to go down as one of the TV shows of the year without question.  It’s big, it’s ballsy and it deserves high critical praise.  Roll on 2019 I say, because series 5 has already been commissioned! 5/5.

 

 

 

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MY MENTAL HEALTH REVIEW OF 2017 AND MY GOALS FOR 2018! THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER……..FINALLY!

Posted on December 19, 2017 by SCARFMAN

A review of my mental health in 2017, with also my hopes and dreams for the upcoming year ahead!

Mental health wise, this time last year I was still in a pretty bad place to be honest.  With me starting on medication for the first time in my life and seeing a new mental health team, I was hopeful that things would improve in time, but I’m not sure how much I really believed that they would.

I’m delighted to report that things have improved so much more than I ever could have envisaged twelve months ago.  Therefore, I wanted to write this blog to socially document how far I have come.  I also wanted to state my aims for the following year ahead.  I need to keep pushing myself in terms of my recovery.  I need to keep challenging myself because ultimately I want my life back, the life that has been missing for eights years due to the awfully debilitating consequences of suffering from OCD!

For those of you that don’t know, I have irrational fears of standing in dog dirt whenever I go outside and sitting in vomit anywhere that I go.  These fears have robbed me of my seeing my best friends, seeing my family and ultimately having any sort of life really.  I could not get excited about life because I could not see my fears ever lessening.

The fluoxetine and aripiprazole medications have helped me enormously.  If you suffer with severe OCD then I really advise you trying them because they have changed my life so much for the better.  They have helped give me a more rational state of mind up to the point where I felt capable of doing CBT exposures, exposures that I would never have felt possible as little as twelve months ago.

I first started getting on a bus again.  Granted, I stood up on the bus but this was still an achievement for me at the time.  I then decided to go and walk around my local shopping centre, this would be the first time I’d been inside it for over EIGHT YEARS due to the OCD.  It was a tough exposure BUT I MANAGED IT and so this really was a landmark event for me.

I then started getting momentum behind my exposures.  All the time I was full of motivation driving me on, ‘I want my life back’ was the mantra that I kept repeating to myself.  I got on a TRAIN for the FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS, I went SHOPPING at my LOCAL SUPERMARKET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS, and then I had a MAJOR, MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH!!

My best exposure and CBT achievement of 2017 was without doubt, when I took the plunge and finally decided TO SIT DOWN ON A BUS.  I can still remember the fear that I had at the time as I sat down on the seat, overwhelming my entire being.  I got off that bus shaking at what I had just done, BUT IT ALSO FELT AMAZING.  I can remember the second time I did it and reporting my achievement on social media with happy tears in my eyes.  The support on Twitter and Facebook was truly heartwarming.  I sat there reading these wonderful well wishes from people, your comments really did mean the world to me so thank you soooooooo much!

I started putting the BINS OUT, I started going for walks and NOT THROWING MY FOOTWEAR AWAY AFTERWARDS.  I HAVE FINALLY STARTED FIGHTING BACK MY FRIENDS………..AND IT FEELS WONDERFUL.  I hate writing self-congratulatory words in case they comeback to haunt me, but I really have come such along way in the last twelve months in terms of my recovery.  Am I completely better yet?  The answer to this is NO, but at least I am taking baby steps forwards now.  These are baby steps that I never thought possible not so long ago.

These achievements and my OCD not being as bad as it was, they’ve made me get excited about life once again and this newfound feeling feels tremendous.  I feel on a roll now and so I have to keep pushing myself.  I now have goals for 2018 and this feels so empowering and motivating.

In January 2018, I have set myself two massive important goals that are really going to challenge my OCD and anxiety levels to the maximum.  Nevertheless, they feel obtainable though, I have to keep pushing myself forwards like I’ve said if I want things to change for the better.

Firstly, I’m going to arrange to meet up with one of my best mates that the OCD has robbed me of seeing all these years.  I love this person like a younger brother, he means a lot to me but I feel so terrible at more or less abandoning him for awhile.  We are going to meet up for lunch which will require me going to a restaurant/coffee shop for the FIRST TIME IN OVER EIGHT YEARS.  It is going to be soooooooo tough for me but at the same time I feel ready for this next challenge.  I’ve really missed seeing this dear friend of mine and so I’m using this as my motivation.

My second immediate target of 2018, is to go and see a careers adviser because I badly need some careers advice.  This time next year I want to be working and have a career plan in front of me.  I would love to do something within the written sphere if possible.  There must be other jobs that exist out there that involve the art of writing, that isn’t being an English teacher(I’d find that too stressful).  Going to these careers appointments and sitting down in an unfamiliar room will be hardest part regarding my OCD, but once again I feel ready for this challenge.  Getting such advice will really motivate me for the year ahead I think.

I want my OCD and my other mental health issues to obviously keep improving in the year ahead.  I love my mum dearly but I want to move out and get my own place.  I would a like serious relationship with a woman in 2018, God knows I know I’m long overdue one.  I just need my life to keep moving forwards now.  I cannot afford for my OCD to go backwards again, not after coming this far in 2017.

I just want Christmas and dreaded New Year’s Eve out of the way as soon as possible, so I can start these new challenges and continue to get my life back on track.  I never thought I’d say these following words twelve months ago but you know what everybody, I’m going to say them once again now because they mean so much to me, THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER…………FINALLY!!

Best wishes for 2018 everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I SAT DOWN ON THE BUS AGAIN……….F-OFF OCD!

Posted on November 27, 2017 by SCARFMAN

Today has been another good day on the OCD front.  Therefore, it’s time to shout it from the rooftops once again.  I’m on a bit of a roll you see, I’M FINALLY FIGHTING BACK!

Two weeks ago, I did the amazing exposure thing of sitting down on a bus.  That was the first time I had sat down on a bus in AT LEAST EIGHT YEARS!  If you read the blog I did about it then you’ll have read that this was to do with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, an irrational fear that vomit is everywhere.

On the back of this massive step forward with the bus business, I recently vowed to my mother that I needed to sit down on a bus again very soon.  As I uttered these words to her, the thought and prospect of doing so filled me great fear.  Nevertheless, if the first time I sat down on a bus in such a long time was to mean anything, then I knew I had to do it again soon.  This therefore was my target for this week.

The aim was to sit down on a bus on my way home from a medical appointment this Thursday afternoon, therefore today I would be standing up I’d decided.  I’m not sure what came over me today but I’d only been on the bus for about two seconds on my way to therapy, when I took the bold move to take a seat once more.  The feeling felt scary but it also felt great.  I felt like shouting to everybody else on the bus something like, ‘LOOK EVERYBODY, LOOK WHAT I’M DOING AGAIN, I’M NOT LETTING OCD BULLY ME ANYMORE, I’M HITTING THIS BASTARD RIGHT WHERE IT HURTS’!!

When I saw my therapist I did an embarrassing fist-bump in her direction ha ha ha ha, but I was just still buzzing from having sat down on the bus.  On the journey home, I SAT DOWN ON THE BUS AGAIN can you believe!!!  This means that in the space of just two weeks I’ve now sat down on a bus THREE times now and coped.  This is compared to the last eight years when I didn’t even get on a bus, never mind sit down on one.

It just feels soooooooooooo good to be continually making baby steps forwards with my once debilitating, disabling and tortuous OCD.  I am starting to feel excited about life once again and I love this newfound feeling.

Therefore, today I say loudly and proudly, I SAT DOWN ON THE BUS AGAIN……….F-OFF OCD!!

 

 

 

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‘PEAKY BLINDERS’ DELIVERS A PERSONAL BEST! Series 4, episode one review.

Posted on November 20, 2017 by SCARFMAN

Last week saw the dramatic return of Peaky Blinders on BBC Two for a fourth series, a family gangster crime drama set in the 1920s in Birmingham, England.  A tired script or tired acting were nowhere to be seen here because this truly was British television of the highest quality.

As the ending credits rolled, this dark drama about the goings-on of the Shelby family(starring the amazing Cillian Murphy as head of the family, Tommy Shelby), it felt like I had just watched a stylish Hollywood blockbuster.  I sat there opened mouthed as two of the Shelby male protagonists were gunned down by visiting members of the Sicilian Mafia.   I know this may sound like hyperbole, but if I can recall my actions correctly, then I think let out a gasp and then applauded as the credits rolled.

Lets talk about the unbelievably gripping start though.   Picking up from the end of series three, we saw members of the Shelby family facing the gallows(Tommy not there due to the deal he did with the police).  The tension beautifully built up and increased up to the point where they were almost hung, until Tommy saved the day and did a deal with the King for them to be saved(which also somewhat comically saw him being granted an OBE).  Quite simply, it was the perfect dramatic start to a perfect drama.  With this start in mind, then I knew the magnificent creator and writer Steven Knight, was going to have written us another masterpiece of a script.

With the Shelby family disbanded and now at war due to Tommy’s actions, we found them at Christmas time all receiving a letter from Luca Changretta(Adrien Brody).  The significance here, being that this letter marked them for death in retribution for the murder of Angel and Vincente(Mafia family).  This as a result forced the Shelby family together again and is what led to the jaw dropping ending.

Acting wise, the whole cast were fantastic as I expected.  Again, they all delivered performances worthy of any Hollywood blockbuster.  Cillian Murphy, in the lead role is an absolute exceptional talent. He has this great menacing but also warm, psychopathic of a presence about him that is both mesmerising and slightly unnerving to watch.  Paul Anderson, as Arthur Shelby, Jr, gives a superb performance as a somewhat conflicted and reluctant gangster.  Finally, Helen McCrory as Polly(the matriarch of the family), also needs a special mention for her fine performance.  She was a woman here delirious and extremely traumatised from her horrifying experience of almost being hung months before.

The storylines were great, the sharp editing gave the drama added impact, and the music was tremendously emotive throughout.  British television dramas do not get much better than this my friends.  In my opinion it was a PB by Peaky Blinders……..A PERSONAL BEST! 5/5.

 

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I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID IT, I SAT DOWN ON A BUS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS!

Posted on November 13, 2017 by SCARFMAN

Not going to lie, today has been a bloody good day.

Around about two hours ago, I was sat here reading my Twitter and Facebook pages with happy tears in my eyes.  You see, today I had a triumph with regards to me fighting my OCD. This is the utterly debilitating OCD that has made me a prisoner in my own home.  It has been bullying me non-stop for years……..BUT TODAY MY FRIENDS I FOUGHT BACK!

I had a therapy appointment today and as is my way I was determined to get on a bus there and back, BUT do it standing up rather than taking a seat.  This all goes back to when I unknowingly sat in a seat with vomit on it at my local doctors surgery around eight years ago.  It made me go right into my shell I’m afraid.  I thought of suicide and self harmed all because I was scared I’d never get rid of the smell of sick, together with being too frightened to go anywhere.  I NEARLY GAVE UP ON LIFE such was my level of distress.

I have been having therapy and taking meds in the last twelve months and things have been really improving of late.  I have been doing exposure exercises in order to try and fight my fears.  This leads on to today with my therapy appointment.  On the way home on the bus I stood up as normal but there wasn’t really any room. I usually stand where the baby trolleys go but this woman was in my regular spot(argh), a really unhelpful woman I should add.  As she went to get off the bus I decided I’d have to move towards the back of it in order to get out of her way.  I am not exactly sure how the following then happened because it wasn’t pre-planned or anything, but I then lost my rag with MYSELF and ended up taking the BULL BY THE HORNS and SAT DOWN ON A SEAT!!  THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE SAT DOWN ON A BUS IN OVER EIGHT YEARS, SINCE THAT NASTY INCIDENT AT THE DOCTORS.

Even now as I write this blog, I can’t believe that I did it.  It is such a HUGE step forwards for me.  It felt sooooooooo good to just do something normal for a change, a thing that millions of people do on a daily basis without giving it a second thought.  I sat there next to this woman ALL TENSED UP.  It was a pretty surreal experience if I’m honest.  I just prayed that I’d done the right thing sitting down, exposing myself to my fears.

I got home and am pleased to report that my clothes smelt fine and this has given me such a massive confidence boost.   I yelled out in extreme exaltation to my dear mum, that I had just done a thing that I never thought I would ever be able to do again(sitting on a bus).  I TOOK THE PLUNGE as a dear friend of mine said I should yesterday, with regards to me fighting my OCD.

I just had to write this day down in a blog because the supportive reaction that I have received on social media from people has truly been overwhelming, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Going forwards then, I know this day can’t be a one-off.  I need to do it again and again and again if I want it to mean anything.  I want my life back and that therefore means that I have to stand up to the nasty bully that is OCD.  I’ve still got a way to go yet………….BUT I THINK I AM SLOWLY GETTING THERE!

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I’M SCARED, THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING TOO WELL!

Posted on November 9, 2017 by SCARFMAN

I have nothing urgent to say in this new blog, however I just wanted to socially document how well things are going at the moment.  Things are going that well that it has slightly unnerved me a touch!

Do not get me wrong here, my life still sucks at how much my OCD impacts on it. Nevertheless, I’ve improved that much that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This time last year this light was nowhere to be seen.

Compared to this time last year my mental health now is unrecognisable, for the better I’m pleased to add.  I am such a calmer person now it’s untrue.  Whereas I was having a row with my poor dear mother about two or three times a day, EVERY DAY, now I can’t remember the last time we had some kind of disagreement.  This is such a lovely thing to write because this is the one person in the whole wide world that has supported me through everything.

My therapy and in particular my meds(Fluoxetine and Aripiprazole), are the reason why I’m feeling much better.  The latter are no cure I know, but they’re helping me that much that I fully recommend you trying them if you are suffering with mental health difficulties and are not on medication.  I have fully bonded and am fully engaged with my lovely therapist.  The homework she continually gives me is also helping me change my old irrational ways without a shadow of a doubt.

I am doing things in the last few weeks that I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing as little as twelve months ago.  I am getting on trams, going on trains(albeit stood up for now), shopping at my local supermarket and going to a physios that is miles away from my home.  I even managed to keep my composure JUST, when a schoolboy was sick on a train station platform that I was on(vomit is one of my phobias).  Doing these things of course is still a challenge every time I do them, but least now I am STILL doing them.  I am not letting my OCD domineer my life as much as it once was.

I can remember travelling home on the train last week and it just felt so good to feel ‘normal’.  By this, I mean it felt exhilarating just to do a normal activity like travelling on a train like millions of others were doing that day too.  I just need to work on sitting down in public places now, that is my main thing to tackle in 2018.

I guess I’m just a bit scared that my recovery will not continue.  I am scared of having setbacks and not being able to cope with them if they arise.  Nevertheless, if I want my life back then I have no choice but to keep pushing the envelope so-to-speak.  I mean, I have no choice but keep making baby steps forwards if I want to get better.  I want a serious career, to meet the love of my life and get married, and to once again meet up with my best friends who I haven’t seen in years due to my awful and debilitating OCD.

I’m scared, things seem to be going too well………………BUT IT’S UP TO ME TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY CARRY ON THIS WAY!

 

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THE TRIUMPH OF A TESTING DAY: 4 TRAMS, 2 TRAINS, AND A LONG WALK WHILST JUMPING OVER DOG POO!

Posted on October 20, 2017 by SCARFMAN

‘I can’t believe I’m doing this.  I can’t believe I agreed to this, what was I thinking?  I’m not sure I can do this mum’?

This was me yesterday at approximately 11.30am, as I finished getting ready to go to a physios in posh leafy Wilmslow.  I was truly ‘bricking it’ as they say.  Why I hear you ask? Well, as some of you know, I currently suffer with OCD and emetophobia.  This trip would involve four tram rides, two train rides and several longish walks.

Even though I was dreading this trip, at the same time I was excited by it.  From a mental health perspective, I have been trying to push myself of late doing certain exposures, so this trip seemed like a good step forwards if I could manage it.  From a pelvic pain perspective, I was desperate to see a physio that specialised in the pelvic region.  I have had pelvic pain issues for over nineteen years and am fed of just putting up with it.  I am fed up of telling disbelieving people that this condition of mine will be helped if only I could see the right person.

I had only been walking for about ten minutes to the tram stop, when I almost walked in an absolute pile of dog poo.  In fact, I may have even walked in a little bit of it on the road, but the RATIONAL FIGHTER in me fought it.  I couldn’t let this incident stop me going to this physios I thought.

I managed on the trams OK and finally made it to Manchester Piccadilly Train Station.  This was where my anxiety was rife because getting on a train would be the hardest bit of this trip.  Manchester to Wilmslow would be at least seventeen minutes on a train.  This would be the longest I had ever been on such transport in over eight years.  I put my music on to distract myself and did that silly fake hard walk I do whenever I’m nervous.  I was puffing my cheeks out looking like a cocky wanker, when in reality I felt like a scared little kitten.  I was truly petrified but I needed to make the next leap with my recovery.  More so though, if I wanted this pelvic pain sorting out then I had no choice but to step on a train once again.

Beforehand, I decided that for my first trip there and back, that I would stand up on the trains, i.e baby steps.  I had only been on the train for about five minutes when I got this disgusting smell, it smelt a lot like sick(my phobia).  Five minutes after, I smelt it again but stronger this time.  I immediately panicked and started ruminating where it had possibly come from?  I had not sat down anywhere though so it can’t possibly have come from me I thought.  Did I fight it and not let it stop me going to the physios, or did I cancel saying that my OCD had overwhelmed me too much?  I am pleased to say that I chose to fight it.  The emotional support that I got from my mum here(via the phone) was truly incredible.  I really will be indebted to my dear mother for the rest of my life.

Finally, I made it to the physios.  I was soooooooo chuffed I had not let my OCD demons beat me.  The appointment went better than I could ever have expected.  The physio had a lovely friendly manner about her and really, really knew her stuff.  After examining me both externally and internally(yes that bit made my eyes water), she told me that my pelvis was in spasm and that she could put a treatment plan together for me.

I came away with exercises to do at home and agreed that I would go and see her again in two weeks time.  I was so happy that I had decided to go and see this specific healthcare professional, even though the journey there had been extremely testing at times.  I was going to do it again though because I want to get better.  In order to fight my OCD I need a strong motivation, therefore this remains mine.

The train ride back went a lot better than the one there and no funny smells were smelt this time.  It felt so good to feel ‘normal’, to do an activity that loads of people do everyday without giving it a second thought.  My walk home from the tram stop involved me pole vaulting over another pile of dog poo, but even this couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm about the day I’d just had.  Once home, I was absolutely shattered but overjoyed that I’d coped with my OCD.  I had not let my OCD win when I so easily could have let it.  Ultimately, I guess my Mr RATIONAL refused to be bullied by my Mr IRRATIONAL!

My day had been a success, a day that had involved four trams, two trains and jumping over two piles of dog poo……….THE TRIUMPH OF A TESTING DAY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in ANXIETY, COMEDY, EMOTION, HEALTH, mens health, MENTAL HEALTH, OCD, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I AM NO LONGER ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT THAT I HAVE OCD!

Posted on October 10, 2017 by SCARFMAN

To mark World Mental Health Day, October 10th 2017, I thought I would do a blog about me no longer being ashamed or embarrassed at openly admitting that I suffer with OCD!

About six to seven years ago, I was having a course of CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I can remember asking my therapist if she thought I should start blogging about my mental health?

I asked her this question because I was a bit scared to do so.  I wanted to attack the stigma around mental health illness that existed in society back then, however deep down I was unsure of myself.  You see, I was incredibly ashamed and extremely embarrassed to suffer from OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder).

I was ashamed and embarrassed, exactly because of this stigma regarding mental health.  If I started blogging about my issues then wouldn’t people think less of me I thought?  Would it harm my jobs prospects if people from work read my old blogs?  What if somebody I fancied read about my mental torture, surely they’d run a mile and never see me as desirable wouldn’t they?  I wanted to be brave and put myself out there but again half of me was too scared to.

Finally, I did take the bull by the horns and duly did my first mental health blog (I can’t remember the exact title of my OCD blog).  I then did a second and a third blog about my mental health, but each time just before I pressed ‘publish’, I would become all ashamed and embarrassed again.  I still worried too much about the stigma and what people might think of me in a prejudicial manner ,i.e that I was nutjob, fruitcake, somehow a lesser human being because I had a mental health illness.

How did I stop feeling like this? Well, up to that point I had never spoken to anybody else who had a severe mental health illness like mine.  I felt like ‘Andy the special one’ and this made my OCD feel so isolating and soul destroying.  My OCD is like an irrational bully at times, therefore non-suffers can only relate to my feelings so much.  It was only when I went on to Twitter and hooked up with people on there who were in a similar position as myself, that my feelings of shame and embarrassment began to lessen thank goodness.

Social media quite rightly gets a bad press at times, however the finest aspect of it for me has been becoming friends with people on there in the mental health community.  I can distinctly remember reading some direct messages from a fellow sufferer and weeping in relief that I no longer felt alone.  This person experienced life the way I had been for years and as upsetting as it was to read their suffering too, it was also immensely comforting to no longer feel on my own.

The more time I spent on Twitter, then the more and more I communicated with people who had similar issues to mine.  The love and support on there(from relative strangers lets not forget), has truly been incredible.  I have done certain exposures these past few months and their lovely response has been overwhelming at times.  These wonderful people made me realise that I should never feel ashamed or embarrassed in admitting to people that I suffer with mental health issues………NEVER!

As I have become less scared about openly talking about my mental health issues, I have thus now started blogging more and more about my recovery journey.  The response to my blogs and updates on Facebook and Twitter has truly been amazing.  People out there really care about how I am doing which is such a lovely thing to experience.

The point of this blog was to just sort of shout it from the rooftops how I have now come full circle, with regards to no longer feeling ashamed or embarrassed in openly admitting that I suffer from mental health issues.  It feels so liberating to feel like this now.  What better way to celebrate this I thought than to document it like I have here on World Mental Health Day, October 10th 2017!

DON’T SUFFER A MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESS IN SILENCE.  NO LONGER  FEEL ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED LIKE ME! 

 

 

Posted in ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, EMOTION, mens health, MENTAL HEALTH, OCD, TRUE STORIES, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment