Andy 'Scarfman' Lloyd's Blog

”You’re fired!”  I mean, ”I’m out!”  I mean, ”cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!”  What I really mean here is that this was a brand new show but it also kind of felt like it wasn’t if you get me?  It felt like The Apprentice meets Dragons’ Den meets MasterChef! 

Even though it was not the most original programme that I’ve ever seen in terms of its format, as food programmes go it was a pretty good effort overall.  I liked it being set in Manchester rather than London. I liked the sharp editing and emotive background music(much in the style of The Apprentice), and I genuinely found myself being moved by it as the ending credits rolled.  In a very crowded genre, it did not do enough to massively stand out from the rest of them, but at the same time it was not that bad either.

At the beginning of this first episode presented by the famous-ish Fred Sirieix(the guy from First Dates), the format of the show was outlined for us.  Set in the food capital of the north, Manchester apparently(you’re twisting my melons man), we were then briefly introduced to the all important restaurant investors.  Two groups of two investors were then self-assigned to a potential restaurant business opportunity.

The business ideas presented to us were one called ShrimpWreck(Ewen) and the other Epoch(Ruth and Emily).  The former was cheap and cheerful seafood sandwiches with a twist, whereas the Epoch idea was all about strictly British high-end fine dining.  They were set three food challenges based over three days, in what was their new temporary given restaurants.

Firstly, the contestants had to prepare an evening service for the public.  This was the bit that was very much like Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares,i.e. Epoch had a bit nightmare with their service.  Whereas with ShrimpWreck, it was the food being deemed too salty by one investor in particular that proved to be his undoing.

After meeting and talking with the potential investors, the contestants then had to open up their restaurants for lunch with the investors amongst their guests.  Again, it was pretty formulaic stuff that we have seen more than a million times before on television cooking shows such as this, i.e we saw the tension filled successes and failures of the service.

Next was the climax of the show as it all went a bit Countdown on us, what with high tension focused on the ticking clock.  Sat alongside the reasonably competent and enthusiastic throughout presenter Fred, the two teams each sat in their restaurants waiting to see if they were going to get any life changing investment offers from the two investors.  Call me an old softy here, but as we got an happy ending with Epoch getting investment, as the tears flowed then so did mine.

Before I knew it the ending credits were rolling and I had a big smile on my face.  An original programme it was not, but it was very much a watchable one.  I liked it and intend on watching episode two.  4/5.

Infuriatingly, these days you often hear people say, ”Oh, I think I’m a bit OCD”!!  I am truly fed up of hearing this statement because having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is NOT people liking things neat and tidy.  OCD is cruel, is suffocating and it can ruin lives.  I know this because I have suffered with severe contamination OCD for twenty-seven years and it nearly ruined mine!

I can still remember that fateful day at my local doctors some eight or nine years ago, when I unknowingly sat in a seat of vomit.  You see, I did not realise until the day afterwards what had happened.  By then it was all too late and I had spread the smell of sick all over my mum’s house.  All my clothes smelt of sick, all the furniture smelt of sick and all my personal belongings did too.  I tried to fight the OCD but back then I wasn’t strong enough to stand-up to it.   OCD is a vicious bully and so I just recoiled myself from life.

Ever woken up and been sad that you’ve woken up?  Ever woken up and wondered how you are going to get through the day without panicking terribly?  Ever woken up and been scared to breathe in because you are absolutely petrified that once you do, then you might breathe in that smell that you just can’t cope with?  I felt all of these things back then and had a life that was not really a life, it was just an existence.

I self-harmed for the first time since I was a teenager because I was bereft of any useful coping strategies.  I really thought about suicide because I could not get peace of mind.  I needed to feel uncontaminated again but the harder I tried then the worst it got.  I was truly enslaved to my OCD like never before.  I could not go anywhere because I was frightened that I might smell sick anywhere that I went.  I could not sit down anywhere because I was so worried that I might sit in sick again.  My Mr Irrational side(one part of me) was completely bullying my Mr Rational side(the other part of me).  Therefore, don’t ever tell me flippantly that you suffer with OCD too, because quite simply I won’t care or believe you.

Two things kept me going though, even in the darkest of times.  The first one was the love and support that I received from my dear mother.  I could never have ended it all due to all what she has done for me in life.  Second, was believing in the extraordinary power of a thing called hope.  A hope that things would improve in time.  A hope that I wouldn’t always be suffering like I was back then.  The hope of getting my dream career and the hope of meeting somebody and falling in love.

Round about two years ago, I got referred to see a new mental health team and it is one of the best things things that I have ever done with regards to my recovery.  The new Psychiatrist sympathised with me that I struggled taking any form of tablets, so suggested I try fluoxetine and aripiprazole in oral solution form.  They are no cure, but they have now enabled me to the do the all important CBT exposure work without feeling too scared(with my new Psychologist).

Therefore, in the last twelve months I have been taking baby steps forwards.  No, I am going to be bolder than this and say that I’ve taken some GIANT leaps forwards.  I have sat down on buses and trains.  This is a huge thing for me when you consider as little as twenty-four months ago, I couldn’t even go on public transport never mind sit down in them.  I now go and shop in supermarkets regularly.  I go to a gym, have recently eaten in unfamiliar restaurants and sat down on a chair for my latest diabetes eye-screening appointment.  Regarding the latter triumph, this was the first time I had done this in over EIGHT years, i.e. rather than insisting that I stand up to have it done.

My OCD has not been this good for years but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression here.  My tale is hopefully an inspiring one but at the same time, my life can still be very tough suffering with OCD.  I wonder whether or not the intrusive, irrational thoughts will ever completely vanish?

Recently, I went on a day out with one of my best friends.  This is a best friend that the OCD had robbed me of seeing for the last eight years.  Firstly, we went for a coffee at this cafe and as my friend popped off to the toilet, I noticed I had put my bag down on a chair that had some brown stains on it.  Instantly, I ruminated and the irrational part of my brain was triggered into action.  Could these stains be sick I panicked to myself? If not sick, then could these stains be poo of some kind? I had to fight these anxieties all night long then.  Much later than originally planned, I got the last tram home with all the drunks and silently I was pleading for nobody to be sick.  Finally, I got home with tears in my eyes because my anxiety about that tram ride had been so strong.

To suffer with OCD can be so exhausting because as in my case, just as I start to get on top of one phobia(vomit), then another one distressingly pops up.  Before that awful incident at my GP’s surgery, then a worry about standing in dog excrement on pavements was my main issue.  I can feel this phobia getting worse at the moment now that I am getting on top of this vomit one.  It is like I always have to have something to worry about.  I now know though that I have to confront this dog dirt worry head-on before it gets a firm grip of me again, i.e not letting this fear stop me from doing things like walking to various places.

What I have tried to illustrate in the above, is just how traumatic it can be to suffer from OCD.  If you are debating whether you have it or not because you like things done in a certain way, then I would politely suggest to you that you do not have it.  This is because to suffer from this mental health illness is all encompassing.  At its worst it never gives you a day off and is a bully of the most brutal kind.   Recovery is possible though as I am proving, but you really have to want to get better from it as I do now.  I will not let my OCD beat me.  I am a fighter and I will not let my Mr Irrational win!

The sun is out, music is playing loudly in my bedroom and I feel happy to be alive once again!

I have not always felt like this though. You see, eight to nine years ago when my OCD was truly horrendous to live with, I wanted out of this life.  I say life but it wasn’t really a life, it was just an existence.  It was an existence that felt like a prison.  The prison being my mind and there was just no escape.  I felt contaminated to my core.  It felt like I’d never recover and so what was the point in carrying on?

Nevertheless, two things stopped me from killing myself .  The first one is the constant love I receive from my dear mother.  I could never have done that to her, not after all the things in life that she has done for me.  The second, was believing in the extraordinary power of hope.  Even at my lowest point there was still this small belief inside me that things might finally go my way in future.  These things kept me going and I’m so pleased that they did.

With the help of meds and therapy, my life has dramatically improved.  I’m not cured by any stretch but it feels exciting to be alive once again.  I sat here just before starting this blog and thought to myself, you know I cannot remember the last time I felt like this.    There is a happiness that pervades my entire being at the moment and to be honest this feels amazing.

Sticking two fingers up my OCD, I have done a series of exposures since Christmas that I would never have thought possible even as little as twelve months ago.  I have sat down on buses, trains and have met up with my two best friends in life and eaten dinner with them in a restaurant(massive for me).  These are my two best friends that I hadn’t seen in eight years due to the crippling OCD.  I needed their forgiveness because I had been a rubbish friend to them.  Having them back in my life once again now means so much to me.  I love them both very dearly.

On top of all that, I’m going to the gym and doing strenuous exercise.  This is for the first time since I got a prostate infection and severe chronic pelvic pain some twenty years ago.  I could cry happy tears that I’m exercising now.  The pelvic pain is not that bad and I’m not letting my OCD stopping me from going either.

I am also doing things for my career now which gives me a sense of purpose in life.  I am writing things for various outlets and so the buzz I get from writing is incredible.  I no longer feel like a passenger in life, it feels like I’m now taking an active part in it once more.

Hey, do not get me wrong here, my life is still far from perfect.  The pelvic pain still exists a bit, I now have rheumatism in my knees(at just 41) and have lymphoedema in my legs, type one diabetes and spondylolisthesis in my lumbar spine, ALL FOR LIFE!

However, I can put up with all these things because I am a fighter.  The thing I needed improving most of all was my mental health and slowly but surely I’m getting there.  If you are in a really dark place like I was some eight to nine years ago, then please keep fighting because I’m evidence that eventually things will improve.  I’m HAPPY TO BE ALIVE ONCE AGAIN,  I never thought I’d write these words but right now it’s true!

This is blog where I celebrate my continued fight against my OCD.  This is a blog where I proudly boast of going to the gym yesterday, for the first time in over TWENTY years!

Back when I was aged twenty years old, I was a complete gym fanatic.  I was one of those annoying men that wore very tight tops on a night out so I could show off my muscles to everybody(makes me cringe now).  I guess looking back now, you could definitely say that I had become addicted to the gym.

In fairness to me though, I also loved sports with a passion growing up.  For example, I played cricket and football for various teams.  Exercise and sport up until the age of twenty, were such a massive part of my life.  However, then I got really ill and all this had to stop.  I faced with the prospect of possibly having prostate cancer.

After several investigations prostate cancer was ruled out twice and instead I was diagnosed with an illness called chronic bacterial prostatitis(a prostate infection).  The infections left me with chronic pelvic pain.  The condition was that severe that I could barely walk without being in agony, never mind going to the gym or playing cricket.  This prompted me to go into a massive state of depression.  Exercise had been my great stress reliever at university but now I could no longer could do this.  I used to look at joggers going past my house when I was studying and it really used to upset me.  Crikey, I even used to get upset watching the athletic dancers on Strictly Come Dancing strut their stuff.

Fast-forward to eight years ago and I had the biggest OCD contamination flare-up that I have ever had.  It stopped me almost doing everything in my life.  My keep fit gym days were a long distant memory, there was no way could I go to the gym now I thought!

In the last sixteen months, I have been getting help for both my wonky pelvis and my severe OCD.   I know people say you should never look back and should instead concentrate on going forwards, nevertheless I’ve longed for so long to get the old me back.   The part of me that could go to the gym without fear of contamination.  The part of me that could exercise without then being in absolute agony afterwards.  I joke about my ill health, but mentally it can wear you out after suffering for so long.

I have been doing CBT exposures in the last year and so came to the decision recently that I wanted to try going to the gym once again.  This would be next on my hit list I decided, it would be such an achievement if I could handle it.  I was full of motivation to do this, it’s such a key thing for me when doing exposures.  I am fed up looking fat in photos, feeling embarrassed at the state of my body.  If I could get going to the gym again then this would be another thing to be proud at myself about.

Yesterday then was the day of gym induction.  Beforehand, I was feeling incredibly nervous.  My Mr Irrational(in my head) was having this constant fight with my Mr Rational all morning.  I considered backing out of going at one point but knew this would be a backward step in terms of my recovery.  I constantly thought about my motivation for going though.  Furthermore, I guess I also knew that the only way to conquer my OCD fears of the gym was to EMBRACE THEM, live with the fears like I had done in the best with some of my other recent exposures.  I knew had to face this fear head-on if I wanted to carry on improving.

I am pleased to report that I faced my fears and duly had the induction.  I managed that well that I spent a further TWO HOURS in the gym afterwards.  I had a few trigger smells and a few wobbles along the way, however I stamped down on them really quickly.  I got home feeling absolutely ecstatic at what I had just done.  It was another one of those evening where I told people on social media at what I had just done, then having tears in my eyes at reading their lovely supportive reactions.

I wanted to socially document this achievement because it shows just how far I have come in terms of fighting my OCD.  I would not have thought this possible as little as twelve months ago.  I’m elated, feel joyous and yes, I feel the happiest I have felt about myself in such a long time.  Oh, boy was it good seeing you once again gym!