Ever woken up wishing you had not? I do not mean because you fancy another half-hour or so in bed, I mean because your entire being is CRIPPLED with anxiety and fear? Fear about confronting the day ahead because you are worried how you are going to get through it without panicking?  Fear that everything you see or touch is going to be CONTAMINATED? Frightened to put your nose near anything because you worry it will smell of that smell you most dread?  You ever woken up thinking, I can not take much more of this…..I WILL NOT TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS? I hope none of you have ever felt any of these feelings because I would not wish them on my worst enemy. I HAVE HAD ALL OF THESE THOUGHTS THIS WEEK AND IT IS DUE TO SUFFERING FROM A MENTAL PROBLEM.  Only if you do too or have at some point in your life, will you then truly understand the amount of mental torment and anguish that I am going through right now!

The verdict for years has been that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD).  I have had others mentioned like Asperger’s Syndrome and borderline psychosis but nothing has come of them.  The last one sounds more severe than it actually is, when I found out what it actually meant.  I have been told I have a very severe case of a very unusual type of OCD.  For example, it revolves around contamination and the thought of it, but unlike many other sufferers I do not fear I am going catch something or die from ‘contaminated things’.  Other sufferers I have been told worry about contamination and how it might make their loved ones ill. Again, this is not like my OCD.

My OCD revolves around me needing to feel ‘uncontaminated’ in order to achieve piece of mind(equilibrium).  I can not function or even just mentally cope if I feel I am contaminated. This also applies if I think my home or any other buildings that I go in are contaminated too(the latter to a lesser extent). It has changed through the years as well. I would get on top of one issue say like a dog poo phobia and then straight away I would develop a more intense phobia/fear about something else.  I said to a therapist once that it felt like I was spinning plates all of the time, so exhausting. For as long as can remember I have always had to be worrying about something.

University was tough having OCD but at the same time it was great therapy for me. I desperately wanted a degree so I managed to fight and handle my contamination fears.  I lived in a rough area of Liverpool where many people did not pick up their dog crap. It was hard but my motivation was my degree and wanting a brilliant life with a brilliant career.  Mentally, I would put ‘MR OCD’ in a box outside my lecture theatre and I would not return to him until going home. The mind occupation of my studies with the ever demanding essay deadlines, really help distract the OCD.

Then I had a load of physical health problems start, you name I have had or still have it…argh. Well, I mean already had a lot whilst at Uni but then I got some bloody more. I had a major contamination do going to a local doctors once for some blood tests.  Lets just say I sat in something….unknowingly until the day afterwards. Home was always my ‘safe uncontaminated little bubble’ so you can imagine my utter devastation when I discovered that I had spread this nasty smell all over the house.  Three years on and I am still not really over it. I am still not the person I once was when at Uni. This person I really liked. I feel like a failure at the moment. My life currently feels like a big fat joke and waste of time!

I have been coping…ish since this big disaster and been reassured that the house will be tonnes better once we decorate in the near future(back living at Mum’s at the mo).  That is going to be very tough though.ie contaminated things being moved but it needs doing.  Then my physical health took a turn for the worse. For the last twelve months I have been struggling with swollen legs which turned out to be a condition called lymphoedema.  You have it for life and there is no cure.  I am desperate to get my physical and mental health better cos I want a career, too meet somebody and maybe have kids one day. However, at the moment I am just presented with ROADBLOCK AFTER BLOODY ROADBLOCK.

Whilst going for tests in the last six months which led to lymphoedema being diagnosed, to my great distress I have kept smelling a nasty smell either near me or on me. To cut a long story short I have just worked out where in the house it has been coming from……I THINK(AND PRAY).  Yesterday I was all over the place, in full panic and distress mode. I can not believe we had this smell in our house for three years and only now have I become aware of where it has been coming from.  I have been feeling contaminated all over. I feel like the house is contaminated all over and that I will never get over this. Worry the house will never feel clean and uncontaminated again.  Right now it is one of the worse times I have had with my OCD. I feel sick and almost scared to move.  This is not a life that I lead at the moment, it just feels like an existence.  There I was thinking I was slowly making tinny steps forward with my OCD and then this latest episode just goes and slaps me in the face. At times I feel like a sick old animal who just needs putting out of their misery.

I now that sounds strong but it is how I feel right now. I feel completely suffocated by the OCD and so fed up at the constant physical health battles.  I also feel fat, a mess and I have had enough.  I want to being going out with some lovely girl on my arm and say working as some kind of writer.  How can I do that or ever foresee this happening when I am in constant rib and pelvic pain, together with a severe mental health issue that seems too severe to ever get that much better from? Christ, I can not even take much needed medication for my OCD due to them stinging my sore ribs terribly.

I just needed to put it down in a blog about how I was feeling.  I wanted to share the thoughts of a sufferer with OCD in case anybody out there is a sufferer too, but instead suffering in silence. I long for a better life. I am a good guy, one of life’s good guys and I do not deserve such a current crap life.  I long for things to improve very quickly, NO I NEED THEM TO IMPROVE IMMEDIATELY……….but in reality I worry that they ever will. Get better? Right now I fear I have more chance of FLYING TO THE MOON!