ANGRY, FRUSTRATED AND DEPRESSED…….this is how I feel right now.  I have been feeling like this for at least the last three years if I am honest, but last night as I went to bed these feelings were utterly overwhelming me like never before.  I have suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since the age of seventeen and yesterday I had a terrible flare up. Today, I just needed to tell the world how crap I have feeling because in a way it is a cathartic experience for me.

I need to point out that my mental and physical health issues have never defined me as a person as much as they do today. My OCD had always been there but it has never domineered me as much as it does today. For example, I had a dog dirt phobia whilst living away at Liverpool as a student.  I had other contamination phobias too whilst there but NEVER did any of them stop me leading the life that I wanted to lead.  Life was tough with the physical health issues and they caused me lots of heartache, but FINALLY I achieved my dream of graduating.

I then moved back to my Mum’s to try and sort out my long standing pelvic pain condition.  My life has never been the same since moving back though. I have had to have sinus surgery, gallbladder surgery, was diagnosed with a slipped vertebrate in my lumbar spine(spondylolisthesis) and within the last six months have been told I have a lifelong condition called lymphodema in my lower legs.

My physical health issues were really getting me down. I desperately wanted to get a career going. For years I had fancied becoming a Careers Counsellor for example. I just kept on fighting and believing that my pelvic and back pain would finally improve when I saw the right physical therapists. However, my world changed when I had an horrendous OCD contamination do about three years ago.  It contaminated all of Mum’s house and had such a devastating impact on my life.  I thought about suicide and about self-harming but some how got through it.

Since last January I have been really, really, really struggling with the OCD. All to do with this massive contamination incident that happened at my Mum’s house three years ago. I still believe the house is contaminated and that I have been smelling various nasty smells periodically.  I thought I was over the worst of it but for the last eight months I have been going further and further into myself. This is not real me and I truly despise the OCD for making me feel so worthless and depressed about things.   I am a clever funny guy(and modest ha ha) and just want the ‘old me’ back. I am fed up of feeling like this scared little kitten most of the time. I worry I’ll never become that confident lion once again(not sure where my small cat/big cat analogy came from so apologies ha).

In the last eight months my depression about my physical and mental health issues has gradually been getting worse like I have said.  I guess the latest thunderbolt about me having lymphodema in my legs for life really hit me hard for some time. I had been told I did not have lymphoedema by one Consultant, which then devastatingly proved to be incorrect by another.  I knew I needed referring back to the hospital about my mental state but I was scared I guess.  I kept putting it off, worried to ‘rock the boat’ in case it made matters worse.  The fight in me had gone a little bit I suppose. All I was too trying to do was to get through each day without having a massive OCD flare-up. I had lost sight of the bigger picture. The OCD felt that overwhelming that pursing a writing career and potentially meeting somebody, well that just all seemed a million miles away!

This all changed a bit when a certain unnamed person entered my life via social media. Their support has been lovely and I love talking to them.  They make me really laugh and the ‘Andy wacky banter’ is always in full force when we chat(a side of me that I really like).  The greatest thing though about speaking to this person is that without them even knowing, our chats have kind of given me the proverbial ‘kick up the backside’ that I think I needed.  I had accepted being the victim far too much in recent times. I would not say I had completely given up on life, but at the same time I did not seem to have much FIGHT left in me in terms of trying to get myself better anymore.

Our chats got me thinking about the future a lot.  I started getting really frustrated about my current life situation. I started getting ANGRY how shit my life is. I mean angry in a good way though, anger that breeds motivation and drive. I had some FIGHT back in me at long last. It prompted me to finally go and ask my GP to refer to me a hospital for therapy/help regarding my mental health issues.  I can not carry on like this and I know now that should have gone a sought help again much sooner than this.

It depresses me greatly thinking about all the bad stuff that has happened to me in my life thus far and not being able to get on with my life as I want.  I worry endlessly that things will not improve enough for me to have the kind of life I want to have in future years. ie good job, wife and maybe kids. Nevertheless, speaking to this person has got me chomping at the bit again.  I felt that motivated that I even said to Mum that I think I should try and see this lymphoedema Manual Lymphatic Drainage therapist soon.  This was a big statement because up to this point my OCD contamination worries have prevented me from going.  I need lots of physio for my pelvis and back and need to see this lymphoedema massage woman first.  I need to start the ball rolling soon because I will need many sessions to greatly improve my symptoms. Therefore, I have been this big bundle of frustration up to now about the OCD stopping me from going. I have been feeling stuck, trapped and even claustrophobic at this frustrating situation that I found myself in.

I had a bit of an OCD wobble two days ago, and then yesterday I had this HORRENDOUS OCD contamination flare-up.  It was a 10/10 on the anxiety scale, I was all over the place.  I was full of panic and despair. I was also full of much self-hatred and self loathing too. In a matter of just twenty-four hours I had gone from feeling more positive about things, to then wondering how I was ever going to get better and have a life. In my depressing view, going for this lymphoedema help was now going to have to be delayed for the time being.  I reckon it was possibly the worst OCD flare-up that I had experienced in about two years.

I went to bed last night feeling so wretched and despondent about things.  I guess the OCD turmoil of the last eight months has kept a lid on the general frustrations that I have about my life right now.  I am just worried how things are going to turn out.  I need to get better as soon as possible because my life is just feels like an existence at the moment.  I need to get to back enjoying life once again. I need a purpose and direction in life. I NEED TO STOP FEELING AS ANGRY, FRUSTRATED AND DEPRESSED AS I DO RIGHT NOW!

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