“Fatty, bum bum….oi Mister, can you lend us some money? Fatty, bum bum”

These words got shouted at me one evening whilst I was walking home from the doctors in the early part of the summer this year.  They were shouted at me by a group of cheeky kids aged no more than about eight or nine years old.  I had decided to take a short-cut through a rough council estate on my walk home, oh boy did I regret that decision upon hearing this abuse.

I should have turned round to the most vocal one and told him to F-off, but I was crying inside you see. I had just come from my doctors where we discussed me definitely having a lifelong condition in my lower legs called lymphoedema.  I had been incorrectly told I did not have this condition by a Vascular Consultant at the hospital some months prior, only then for another Consultant to rightly correct him. I did have lymphoedema for life and I was really upset about this.  This abuse about my weight though touched a nerve. I did look and feel overweight for the first time in my entire life.  I felt ashamed, unattractive and embarrassed at the way I looked.

I have always been very shy with girls. Growing up,  I thought I looked alright when I looked into the mirror but got the distinct impression not many girls thought that way about me.   I remember then having this sort of ‘eureka moment six months’ at University when women and even men, started paying me compliments regarding how I looked. Some girls on my course said how they could not believe that I did not have a girlfriend for example. I remember another female friend of mine saying how her fella thought I was very good looking. In the space of about six months I had gone from from feeling like Hunchback(ugly) to somebody like Prince Charming(good looking).  I noticed how really pretty girls were smiling at me all of a sudden, I even had one chat me up on a night out once. My confidence about my appearance had never been so high.

Despite my confidence growing about the way I looked, I was however also going through a really tough time with my physical health that not many people knew about.  I had played cricket and football for various teams growing up.  In my late teens and early twenties I massively got into the gym.  I loved working out.  Being a stressful type I found it a really helpful way of dealing with stress, as well as it also making me look good too. Nevertheless, at twenty-one I got diagnosed with a serious illness called Chronic Bacterial Prostatitis(prostate infection).  Physically, I have never been the same since because the infection left me with severe pelvic pain.  It causes me pain to walk never mind run. Sit-ups were completely out of the question due to them making the pelvic pain ten times worse whenever I tried them. I just did upper body weights and with painkillers managed to walk a far bit whilst finishing my degree.  Not being able to run depressed me but all I was bothered about making sure I finally graduated.

When I finished Uni my main goal was to try and get this pelvic pain a lot better. I had read tonnes of research how a specific type of physio could really help it(pelvic floor trigger point release). I made good progress with this physio but I was still in some pelvic pain afterwards. I was told by another physio that I had an inactive and swollen right iliopsoas muscle. Then I got diagnosed with gallstones and that did not get resolved for a year. In the middle of me trying to deal with the pelvic pain I got diagnosed with a lumbar spine problem called spondylolisthesis(slipped vertebrate). One of the discs in my lower back is also compressed, thus giving me persistent sciatica.  I have had to come off the painkillers that were helping my pelvic pain due them stinging a very sore lower right rib issue that I currently have.  Therefore, all this depressingly means that I am currently very unfit and can hardly do any exercise at the moment.

As somebody who has always been very sporty and done regular exercise, not being able to do so at the moment is really destroying me. I know this sounds a bit daft but even just looking at joggers go past my house really gets to me….that I can not go out jogging too. I can not go swimming due to my mild eczema and cycling makes the pelvic pain horrendous.  I want to be able to keep myself fit. I openly admit to being a vain sort of person and so I want to be able to exercise so my body looks good.  I am not FAT even if that little pillock said I was. I am though a bit overweight and it all seems to be around my middle…argh.

Due to all these physical health problems holding me back, I have definitely been guilty of comfort eating. I suffer with mental health issues too and definitely think being depressed has made me sought solace in food at times.  Eating gave me pleasure in a life that seemed pretty bereft of any other kind of pleasures.  I had no motivation to keep a slim figure. No girlfriend to try and impress for example.  I am off work ill at the moment so have no workplace to where I want to go at look my best at.  I have sort of felt hidden away from the world a bit whilst I suffered with my physical and mental health issues post University.  I hated the way I looked but there seemed to have bigger things to deal with. I definitely knew one thing for sure though, no pretty girls were ever going to fancy me again if I carried on looking like this!

A few ago weeks ago though I suddenly started to get a bit of fight back in me. I got talking to this person on social media and somehow it kind of just flicked a switch somewhere inside me.  They were telling me all about their exciting life over the next few years and as a result I started to get motivated again about mine.  Over the past few years I had gradually lost that fighting spirit that has always been with me up til now. I had seemingly accepted my fate.i.e An unlucky victim of loads of health problems that had got unmotivated about life…AND ONE THAT HAD PUT A TAD TOO MUCH WEIGHT ON. Nobody is just going to come to my front door and wave a magic wand and hey presto, all my health issues are sorted. I have to get out there and fight for them. The same applies on the job front too, a brilliant job is not just going to land at me feet without lots of effort from me.  Regarding me looking a bit overweight, then only I can do something about this.  If I want pretty girls to like me and not feel so body conscious when I go out in public, then I need to get some motivation and discipline back in my life no matter how hard.

I have never dieted in my life before, primarily because I have never felt the physical need too.  For the last six months I would regularly mention that I needed to diet but never actually did so.  As a type one diabetic dieting and altering your food intake does take a bit of thought and pre-planning, so I guess I used this as a bit of an excuse if I am honest.  They mentioned at my last diabetic clinic how I was using too much insulin. The implication here that I was therefore eating too much.  I scoffed at this suggestion but looking back now, I know what the Diabetic Nurse was saying was indeed correct.  I was eating miles too much white bread, biscuits(especially plain digestives) and crisps. I tried a few times eating more alkaline veg but having no gallbladder meant the green vegetables just upset my tummy….argh. What I needed most of all though………WAS TO START EATING LESS(sounds simple I know ha).

The first thing I have done in the last few weeks to try and start changing my body image for the better, is tummy core exercises. This must sound like no big deal to anybody else but to me this is massive thing. Until I hopefully have physio to help mend my pelvis, currently my pelvic floor muscles are all too too tight and swollen due to having those prostate infections years ago.  Therefore, up to now it has always killed my pelvis whenever a physio has told me to tighten up my core muscles.  I have steered away from doing them as a result but I knew deep down my belly was not that fat, it was just that the muscles had kind of just flopped. I started off doing very gentle core exercises at first just in case they absolutely killed me.  You know, gently bringing my tummy in on a breath and holding it for say five seconds before then breathing out.  It hurt a bit, however not too much so I started doing them daily.  Each day I did them I upped how tight I was squeezing my core in.  Only after a few days of doing this I felt so happy at the results. My stomach felt firmer instead of being flabby and it nowhere near looked as big. In a matter of days I had STOPPED LOOKING LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN. I began feeling less ashamed and embarrassed when taking my top off and looking at my body shape. Granted, I am nowhere near the shape that I finally want to be but it is a good start nevertheless.

I finally started my first ever diet eight days ago and it is one of the best things that I have ever done.  I can be a very determined person when I put my mind to it and so a little bit of me is enjoying the challenge of it….the sacrifices I have had to make.  I am eating nowhere near as much as I was doing. Looking back now, I cannot believe the amount of food I had eating on a daily basis. I must have been having about four bags of crisps a-day every day of the week. Now, I am having no more than one a day and I feel a bit guilty when even eating them. You times four bags a day by seven days a week and it is no wonder I have been looking like a fat Gary Barlow(a girl once said I looked like him….I repiled “hope you mean the slim version”? In reality she was pissed, very flirty and I don’t look like him at all…unless she meant my Mancunian accent haha)? I was having almost a full packet of plain digestive biscuits a day, as well as one white loaf of bread daily.

I am not a fool though, I know this dieting malarkey is going to be really hard at times to contend with.   The winter months fast approaching us will make it tricky(eating warms you up a bit). I find winter and the festive period rather depressing on numerous levels, so I know this could make me vulnerable in terms of slackening off the diet a bit. I have to be strong though.  The weight is not going to drop off me overnight so I have to stick at it.  If I cary on consuming miles less calories like I have been doing then I must start to look differently and a hell of a lot better in the near future.

The next stop is me seeing this woman about helping me with the lymphoedema.  I feel so acidic all of the time and am confident her helping me remove some of the excess fluid in my legs should make me feel better. Once the lymphoedema starts improving then I aim to see a physio to help me with all my physical aches and pains, notably my pelvis, ribs and right shoulder.  Only when I have had physio and these areas are fingers crossed a lot less sore, will I then be able to do more exercise that I crave.

I am only eight days into this diet but already am I proud of myself in what I have achieved thus far.  If I am honest, I depressingly thought I was stuck with that big tummy forever. I thought being able to do core exercises might always be beyond me pain wise. Furthermore, I truly doubted whether I had the self-drive, motivation and discipline to stick to a diet.  My life sucks as the moment but just doing these small things has made such a huge difference to my mental state(let lone my physical one).  Only I could do it though and I am so happy that I decided too.

I am going to keep this diet up just you mark my words……no doubts.   I want to feel attractive again, want to be that man at University that pretty girls liked.  “Fatty, bum bum….” What rude little fuckers………………..BUT I AIM TO PROVE THEM WRONG!