As I write this blog I do it in a very positive frame of mind.  I’ve had a good week with my mental health and so I just wanted to socially document this.  I wanted to sort of shout it from the rooftops, that FINALLY I have got my ‘fighting it’ mojo back!

Mentally speaking, four or five months ago I was in a similar positive place.  I had just started seeing a new brilliant therapist and I was full of self-motivation in terms of trying to get better with my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and emetophobia.   Then a few negative things happened and my strong will started to wane somewhat.

The recent Manchester terrorist attack knocked my confidence about going out, as well as feeling like the therapy wasn’t going as I had previously hoped it would.  I seemed to be withdrawing from life once again(more than I already was anyway).  I had started to give up fighting my mental health.  I was back in that negative mindset where I was just accepting my shit lot in life.

A few things then happened for the good which got me out of this negative rut that I found myself in.  I unexpectedly received a phone call from a dear friend of mine who I had not chatted too in ages because of my OCD.  It so lovely hearing from this person and that they still seemingly cared deeply about me.  Our conversation got me motivated about life once more.  I want to be like him you see, a success both in my personal and professional life.  Therapy then changed for the better too I’m pleased to report.  Nevertheless, I knew I had to start fighting my OCD again like I was ready too at the start of my treatment.  I knew the onus was on me to do something BIG!

In between appointments I had set myself the target of going one day to Manchester Piccadilly Rail Station.  This would be a massive thing for me because I had not been there in over eight years(when my major OCD and emetophobia incident happened).  It was a doable achievement though, it wasn’t aiming too high in my view.

In the morning of the day I had planned to go last week, I was well and truly procrastinating.  By this, I mean I was starting to come up with excuses why I shouldn’t go. I wondered if it was a step too far at this stage and I was fretting about the prospect of it going terribly wrong, e.g. would I be safe going there, what if I saw or smelt sick?  I was constantly thinking about worst case scenarios.

I was just about to declare that I wasn’t going when I received a direct message from a friend of mine on Twitter. I told her about my dilemma and how I was thinking of not going to the train station after all.  She messaged me a bit of tough love and instructed me how I should still go.  I needed both her persuasion and reassurance that everything would be alright.  This chat was just the rocket that I needed.  I made my final decision then, I INDEED WAS GOING TO GO AND DO THIS TRAUMATIC EXPOSURE THERAPY EXERCISE……NOTHING WAS GOING TO STOP ME NOW!

I had only been out the house two seconds when I nearly trod in a pile of dog poo(a phobia of mine that used to be massive).  I just hoped me missing it was a good omen for the afternoon ahead.  To cut a very long story short, I DID IT! I got the tram to Victoria Station(where the tram platforms were stained with goodness knows what), then got another tram to Piccadilly Station.  I managed to stay at Piccadilly for about thirty minutes before making my return journey home.  I did have a few trigger smells on the trip that made me panic momentarily but in general I coped really well.  It was such a massive thing for me to have done.

This exposure trip has got me excited again, well OK maybe excited isn’t the right word, but full of optimism and enthusiasm for sure about fighting my mental health issues.  I still have such a long way to go with my recovery so pleased don’t be thinking everything is now rosy in my OCD and emetophobia garden because it truly is not.  I just know that I need to keep chipping away at it like this if I am to get anywhere with it all.  I am frustrated in one respect because I want to get better yesterday, however I know baby steps forwards is the key.

I am just so pleased to have my ‘FIGHT IT’ head back on, I’M BACK IN THE GAME EVERYBODY!