Why me?

I’m nervous about writing this blog. I guess I’m nervous because there’s so much I want to say to you all, but I’m not sure how. I’m lying, I do know how, but it’s been that long since I wrote my last blog (April 22, 2022), I don’t know where to start.

I want to write in my raw brilliant best.  I want to tell you what’s been happening in my life and why I stopped blogging. Things have changed in my life, but I’m still the same guy deep down. I’m still sensitive, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. It was either have a good cry or write a blog, and I’ve no more tears left to cry so I chose the latter.

Let’s get my backstory out of the way first. Type 1 diabetic aged 17yrs old, severe OCD since 14yrs old, chronic pelvic pain resulting from numerous prostate infections when I was 21 to 39yrs old(2 cancer scares), lymphoedema(swelling) in my legs since my late 30s, numerous surgeries…you get the point, life has been tough. I also lost my dad when I was 21, i’m now 47yrs old, still breaks my heart losing him.

I’m battle weary from life, but in the last few years things have changed for the better. I have improved massively from the OCD. My pelvic prostate pain has almost gone. I now work full-time as a Copywriter.  

I’m definitely a half glassful person these days, yet right now why do I feel like a good cry right now? I guess I feel lonely.  My mum is amazing and I would literally do anything for her. I also have a great support network of friends. But, I’m being honest, tonight as I write this I’m the loneliest I’ve felt in a long time. 

Work is tough, but it’s more than just that, I long for romanticism in my life.  Fed up of just putting a brave face on it, fed up of why me?

I guess this all stems from me getting my worst fear over a week ago, I contracted norovirus.  I had not been sick for 15yrs, and yet here I was in a nightmare where I was throwing-up every two hours.

I thought, here I am telling the world my OCD was tonnes better, but for 72hrs I felt like a fraud. I gave in to my obsessions, my rituals, it reminded me just how ill I’d been all those harrowing years ago. I didn’t cry, but I felt like it numerous times.  

This week my recovery from Norovirus is complete and I’ve started fighting giving in to my obsessive thoughts.  However, as I write this blog I just feel incredibly sad.  I don’t feel suicidal, but I’ve started on that train again…the one I STOPPED AND GOT OFF YEARS AGO! 

Maybe I’m just tired and need an early night? Maybe I just need a good cry to get my current anguish out of my system? Maybe, maybe, maybe….I just need to feel loved. Not in a family way, but in a romantic way

Thank you for reading this blog, I’ve made the decision I’m gonna blog more.  Goodnight friends, jokey Andy will be back soon.  Nevertheless, I’m posting this to prove my pain is real and that even those in recovery can still have bad days. 

Speak again soon, Andy. X    

ps Thank you Benson Boone, listening to you saved my life this week.